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Printed by T.C. 
for Jeffrey Chorlton.

Foreword signed: T.M. 
Usually attributed to Thomas Middleton, 
but sometimes to Thomas Moffett.


Copyright © 2003 Miskatonic University Press/ yankeeclass.com, all rights reserved


                            OXFORD TEXT ARCHIVE
The blacke booke [Electronic resource]
Middleton, Thomas, d. 1627
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Mode of access: Online. OTA website / Title proper taken from electronic text / Transcribed from: The blacke booke. -- London : Printed by T.C. for Ieffrey Chorlton, 1604. --  Foreword signed: T.M. Usually attributed to Thomas Middleton, but sometimes to Thomas Moffett.
Fiction -- England -- 17th century
Picaresque fiction -- England -- 17th century
Cataloguer Webb, Anton
Header changed in accordance with ISBD(ER) guidelines and expanded. Validated in the TEI Lite DTD using XMetal 2.0. Genre term of "plays" deleted and genre terms relating to fiction inserted 14 Jan 1998 Burnard, Lou cvt (converter)
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                Printed by T.C. for Jeffrey



                 The Epistle to the Reader.
             The true Character of this Booke.

     To all those that are truly  Vertuous,  and  can  touch
Pitch   and   yet   never   defile  themselves:   reade  the

mischievous lives and pernicious practises of Villaines, and
yet  be  never the worse at the end of the Booke, but rather
confirmde  the  more  in  their  honest  Estates,  and   the
uprightnes  of  their Vertues:  To such I dedicate my selfe,
the wholesome intent of my labours,


the modestie of  my  Phrases,  that  even  blush  when  they
discover  Vices,  and unmaske the worlds shadowed villanies:
And I account him as a Traytor to Vertue,  who  diving  into
the  deepe  of  this  cunning  Age,  and  finding there such
Monsters of  Nature,  such  speckled  lumps  of  poyson,  as
Pandars,  Harlots,  and  Ruffians  do figure, if hee rise up
silent again, and neither discover or publish  them  to  the
civil  Ranck  of sober and continent Livers, who thereby may
shunne those two devouring Gulfes:  to wit,  of  Deceit  and
Luxury,  which  swallow  up  more  Mortals,  then Scylla and
Charibdis, those two Cormorants and Woolners of the Sea, one tearing,  the  other devouring:  Wherefore I freely perswade my selfe, no vertuous spirit, or Judiciall Worthy,  but  wil approve  my  politick Morrall, where under the shadow of the Divels Legacies, or his bequeathing to Villaines, I


strip their villanies naked, and bare the infectious  Bulkes
of  Craft,  Coosnage, and Pandarisme, the three Bloodhoundes
of a Common-wealth:  And thus farre  I  presume,  that  none
will  or  can  except  at  this which I call the Black Booke
(because it  doubly  Damnes  the  Divel)  but  some  tainted
Harlot,  Noselesse  Bawde, obsceane Ruffian, and such of the
same blacke Nature, and filthy Condition,  that  poyson  the
towardly  Spring  of Gentilitie, and corrupt with the mud of
mischiefs the pure and cleare streames of a  Kingdome:   And

                                                     Page 2

to  spurgall  such,  who  reades me shall know I dare, for I
feare neither the Rats-bane of a Harlot, nor the Ponyard  of
a Villaine.


                        A4v [blank]


                         A Morall.

      Lucifer ascending, as Prologue to his owne Play.

Now is Hell landed here upon the Earth,
When Lucifer in limbes of burning gold,
Ascends this dustie Theator of the world,
To joyne his powers: and were it numbred well,
There are more Divels on Earth then are in Hell.
Hence springs my damned joy, my torturde spleene
Melts into mirthfull Humour at this Fate,
That heaven is hung so high, drawne up so farre,
And made so fast, naylde up with many a Starre.
And Hell the very shop-boord of the Earth,
Where when I cut out soules, I throw the shreds
And the white-lynings of a new-soyld Spirit,
Pawnde to luxurious and adulterous merit.
Yea, that's the sinne, and now it takes her turne,
For which the world shall like a Strumpet burne:
And for an Instance to fire false imbraces
I make the world burne now in secret places,
I haunt invisible corners as a Spie,
And in adulterous Circles there rise I:


There am I conjur'd up through hote desire,
And where Hell rises there must needs be fire.
And now that I have vaulted up so hye
Above the Stage-rayles of this earthen Globe:
I must turne Actor, and joyne Companyes
To share my Comick sleek-eyde Villanyes.
For I must weave a thousand Ills in one,
To please my blacke and burnt Affection:
Why? every Tearme-time I come up to sowe
Dissention betwixt Plough-men, that should sowe
The Feilds vaste wombe, and make the harvest growe:
So comes it oft to passe deare yeares befall,
When Plough-men leave the Field to till the Hall:
Thus Famine and bleake dearth doe greet the Land,
When the Plough's held betweene a Lawyers hand.
I fatte with joy to see how the poore Swaynes

                                                      Page 3

Doe boxe their Country-thyes, carrying their Packets
Of writings, yet can neither reade nor write,
They're like to Candles if they had no light:
For they're darke within, in sence and Judgement,
As is the Hole at New-gate, and their thoughts
Are like the men that lye there without spirit.
This strikes my blacke soule into ravishing Musicke,


To see Swaynes plod and shake their ignorant skuls:
For they are nought but skul, their braine but Burre,
Wanting wits marrowe and the sap of Judgement;
And how they grate with their hard nayly soales
The stones in Fleet-street, and strike fire in Powles:
Nay, with their heavie Trot, and yron-stalke,
They have worne off the brasse in the mid-walke.
But let these passe for Bubbles and so die,
For I rise now to breathe my Legacie:
And make my last Will, which I know shall stand,
As long as Bawde, or Villaine strides the Land.
For which Ile turne my shape quite out of Verse,
Mov'd with the Supplication of poore Peirce,
That writ so rarely villanous from hence,
For spending money to my Excellence:
Gave me my Titles freely, for which giving,
I rise now to take order for his Living.
The blacke Knight of the Poste shortly returnes
From Hell, where many a Tabacc'nist burnes:
With newes to smoaky Gallants, Ryotous Heires,
Strumpets that follow Theators and Faires,
Gilded-nosde Usurers, base mettald Pandars
To Copper Captaines, and Pickt-hatch Commanders,


To all infectious Catch-poles through the Towne,
The very speckled vermin of a crowne:
To these and those, and every damned one,
Ile bequeath Legacies to thrive upon:
Amongst the which, Ile give for his redresse,
A standing Pension to Peirce-Pennilesse.


                     THE BLACKE BOOKE.

     No sooner was Peirce-Pennilesse breathed forth,  but  I
the  Light-burning  Serjant Lucifer, quencht my firie shape,
and whipt  into  a  Constables  Night-gowne,  the  cunningst
habite  that  could  be, to search Tipsie Tavernes, roosting
Innes, and  frothy  Ale-houses,  when  calling  together  my
worshipfull   Bench   of   Bill-men,   I   proceeded  toward
Pickt-hatch, intending to beginne their first, which  (as  I
may fitly name it) is the very skirts of all Brothel-houses;
the watchmen poore Night-crowes followed, and thought  still
they  had  had  the Constable by the hand, when they had the
divill by the Gowne-sleeve;  at last I  looking  up  to  the

                                                      Page 4

casements  of  every  suspected  mansion, and spying a light
twinckling, betweene hope and desperation, gessed it  to  be
some  sleepie  snuffe,  ever and anon winking and nodding in
the socket of a Candlesticke, as if the  flame  had  been  a
departing   from  the  greasie  body  of  Simon  Snuffe  the
Stinckard:  whereupon I the blacke  Constable  commanded  my white Guard, not onely to assist my Office with their browne Billes, but to raise up the house extemporie:  with that the dreadfull watchmen having authority


standing by them, thundred at the doore, whilst  the  Candle
lightned  in  the  Chamber,  and  so  betweene thundring and
lightning, the Bawde rizze, furst putting the Snuffe  to  an
untimely  death, a cruell and a lamentable murther, and then
with her fat-sag-chinne hanging downe like  a  Cowes  Udder,
lay  reeking  out  at the windowe, demaunding the reason why
they did sumon a Parly:  I told her in plaine tearmes,  that
I had a warrant to search, from the Sheriffe of Limbo;  How?
from  the  Sheriffe  of   Lime-streete   replyed   Mistresse
Wimble-chinne, (for so shee understood the word Limbo, as if
Limbo had bene Latten for Lime-streete)  why  then  all  the
doores  of  my house shall flye open and receive you Maister
Constable;  with that, as being the watch-word, two or three
vaulted  out  of  their beddes at once, one swearing stockes
and stones, he could not finde his stockins, other that they
could  not  hit  uppon  their  false  bodies, when to speake
troath and shame my selfe, they were then as close to  their
flesh  as they could, and never put them off since they were
twelve yeare old:  At last they shuffled up, and  were  shut
out at the back-part, as I came in at the North-part, up the
stayres I went to examine the Featherbeddes, and carrie  the
sheetes  before the Justice, for there was none else then to
carrie, onely the flowre  was  strewde  with  Buske-pointes,
silke  Garters,  and  shooe-strings, scattred here and there
for hast to make away from me, and the farther  such  runne,
the  neerer  they  come  to  me:  then another doore opening
rere-ward, there came  puffing  out  of  the  next  roome  a
villainous  Leiftenant without a Band, as if he had bene new
cut downe, like one at  Wapping,  with  his  cruell  Garters
about his


Necke, which fitly resembled two of Dericks Neckelaces:   he
had  a  head  of  hayre  like  one  of  my Divells in Docter
Faustus, when  the  old  Theater  crackt  and  frighted  the
Audience;   His  Browe  was made of course Branne, as if all
the Flower had bene boulted out to  make  honester  men,  so
ruggedly  moulded with chops and crevises, that I wonder how
it helde together, had it not bene pasted with villany;  His
eye-browes   jetted  out  like  the  round  casement  of  an

                                                      Page 5

Aldermans dining-roome, which made his eyes looke as if they
had  bene  both damned in his head:  for if so be two soules
had bene so farre suncke into Hell-pittes, they would  never
have  walkt  abroad  againe:   His  Nosthrills  were  cousen
Germans to Currall, though of a softer condition, and  of  a
more  relenting  humour;   His  Crowe-blacke Muchatoes, were almost halfe an Ell from one end to  the  other,  as  though they  would  whisper  him  in  the  eare about a cheate or a murther:   and  his  whole  face  in  generall,   was   more
detestable ougly then the visage of my grim Porter Cerberus,
which shewed that all his body besides was  made  of  filthy
Dust, and Sea-cole ashes:  A downe countenance he had, as if
he would have  lookte  thirty  mile  into  Hell,  and  seene
Sisyphus rowling, and Ixion spinning and reeling:  thus in a
payre of hoary Slippers, his  stockins  dangling  about  his
wrists,  and his read Buttons like Foxes out of their holes,
he began like the true Champion of a  vaulting-house,  first
to  fray me with the Bug-beares of his rough-cast beard, and
then to sound base in  mine  eares,  like  the  Beare-garden
Drum,  and  this  was  the  humour  he  put on, and the very
apparell of his Phrases:  Why!  maister Constable, dare  you
bawke us in our owne mansion?  ha!


What is not  our  house  our  Cole-harbour,  our  Castle  of
come-downe,  and  lye-downe?   must  my  honest wedded Punck here, my glorie-fatte Awdry be taken napping, and  raisd  up by  the  thunder  of  Bil-men?  are we disanuld of our first sleepe?  and cheated of our dreames and fantasies?  is there not  Law  too  for stealing away a mans slumbers, as well as for sheetes off from hedges?  Come you to search  an  honest Bawdie-house,  this  seven  and  twentie  yeares in fame and shame?  goe too then, you shall search;  nay, my very Bootes too:  are you well now?  the least hole in my house too, are you pleasde now?  can we not take our ease in our Inne,  but we  must come out so quickly?  Nawd, goe to bed, sweet Nawd, thou wilt coole thy grease anon,  and  make  thy  fat  cake.  This  sayd (by the vertue and vice of my Office) I commanded my Bil-men downe staires, when in a  twinckling  discovering my selfe a little, as much as might serve to rellish me, and shew what stuffe I was made off, I came and kist the  Bawde, hugde  her excellent villanies and cunning rare conveyances, then turning my selfe, I threw mine armes (like a scarffe or Bandaleere)   crosse  the  Leiftenants  melancholly  Bosome, embracst his resolute phrases, and  his  dissolute  humours, highly  commending the damnable Trade, and detestable course of their living, so  excellent  filthie,  and  so  admirable villanous!   Whereupon  this Leiftenant of Pickt-hatch, fell into  deeper  league  and  farther  acquaintance  with   the blackenesse  of  my  bosome,  sometimes  calling  me Maister Lucifer the  Head-borow,  sometimes  Maister  Devillin,  the little  blacke  Constable.   Then  telling me, he heard from Limbo the II.  of the last  Moneth,  and  that  he  had  the

                                                      Page 6

letter  to shew, where they were all very mery:  marry as he
told me, there were some of his friends in Phlegeton,


troubled  with  the  heart-burning:   yea,  and   with   the
soule-burning  too  thought I:  though thou litle dreamst of
the torment:  then complaining to me of  their  bad  takings
all the last plaguy Sommer, that there was no stirrings, and
therefore undone for want of doings,  whereupon  after  many
such  inductions to bring the sceane of his poverty upon the
Stage, he desired in coole  tearmes  to  borrow  some  forty
pence  of  me;   I  stuft  with anger at that base and lazie
petition, (knowing  that  a  right  true  villaine,  and  an
absolute  practizd  Pandar  could not want silver damnation,
but living upon the Revenewes of his  wits,  might  purchase
the  Divel and all), halfe conquerd with rage thus I replyed
to his basenes.

     Why!  for shame  a  Bawde  and  poore?   why  then  let
usurers goe a begging, or like an old Greeke stand in Powles
with a Porringer!  let Brokers become whole honest then, and
remove to heaven out of Hounsditch!  Lawyers turne feelesse,
and take Ten of a poore Widdowes teares for Tenne shillings!
Merchants  never  forsweare themselves, whose great perjurde oaths a Land turne to great windes and cast away their Ships at  Sea:   which false perfidious tempest splits their ships abroad, and their soules at home, making the one  take  salt water,  and  the  other  salt  fire:   let Mercers then have
conscionable Thumbes, when  they  measure  out  that  smooth
glittering Divel Sattin, and that old Reveller Velvet in the
daies of Mounseir, both which have devoured many  an  honest Field  of Wheate and Barly, that hath bene metamorphosed and changed into white mony;  puh, these are but litle


wonders, and may be  easily  possible  in  the  working;   A
Usurer to cry bread and meate is not a thing impossible, for
indeed your greatest Usurer is your greatest Begger, wanting
as well that which he hath, as that which he hath not:  then
who can be a greater Begger?  he wil not have his house smel
like  a  Cookes  shop, and therefore takes an order no meate
shall be drest in it, and because there was  an  House  upon
Fish-streete Hill burnt to the Ground once, hee can abide by
no meanes to have a fire in his Chimny ever since:   to  the
confirming of which, I wil insert here a pretie conceit of a
nimble-wittied Gentlewoman, that was worthy to  be  Ladyfied
for the Jest, who entring into a Usurers House in London, to
take up mony upon unmerciful Interest, for the  space  of  a
Twelvemoneth,  was  conducted  through  two  or three hungry
roomes into a faire dining Roome, by a Lenten-faced  Fellow,
the Usurers man, whose Nose showde as if it had bene made of

                                                      Page 7

hollow Past-boord, and his Cheeks  like  two  thin  Pancakes
clapt together:  A pittiful knave he was, and lookte for all
the world as if  meale  had  bene  at  twentie  shillings  a
Bushell:   the  Gentlewoman being placed in this faire Roome
to awayt the Usurers leysure, who was casting up Ditches  of
Golde  in  his  Counting-house, and being almost frozen with
standing (for it was before Kandelmas  Frost-bitten  Tearme)
ever and anon turning about to the Chimney where shee sawe a paire of Corpulent Giganticall Andiorns that stood like  two
Burgomasters  at both corners, a Harth briskly drest up, and
a great cluster of Charcoale pilde up together  like  blacke
Puddings, which laye for a


dead fire, and in the dyning  Roome  too:   the  Gentlewoman
wondring  it was so long a kindling, at last shee caught the
miserable conceit of it, and calling her man to her, bad him
seeke  out for a piece of Chalke, or some peeling of a white
Wall, whilest in the meane time shee conceited  the  Device,
when  taking  up  the  sixe former Coales one after another,
shee chalkt upon each of them  a  Satyricall  Letter,  which
sixe were these.
                     T. D. C. R. U. S.
Explainde thus:
        These Dead Coales, Resemble Usurers Soules.

     Then placing them in the same order againe, turning the
chalkt   sides  inward  to  try  conclusions,  which  as  it
happened, made up the Jest the  better,  by  that  time  the
Usurer  had done amongst his golden heapes, and entertaining
the Gentlewoman with a Cough a quarter of an houre long,  at
last  after  a  rotten Hawke and a Hem, he began to spit and
speake to her:  To conclude, she was furnished of  the  mony
for  a  twelvemoneth,  but  upon  large  securitie  and most
Tragicall Usury;  when keeping  her  day  the  Twelve-moneth
after,  comming to repaie both the mony and the breede of it
(for Interest may well be calde the  Usurers  Bastard)  shee
found the Hearth drest up in the same


order with a dead fire  of  Charcole  againe,  and  yet  the
Thames  was  halfe frozen at that time with the bitternes of
the season:  when  turning  the  formost  ranke  of  coales,
determining  againe  as it seemd to drawe some prety knavery
uppon them too, shee spyed all those sixe Letters which shee
chalkt  uppon  them  the twelvemonth before, and never a one
stirde or displaced:  the strange sight of which,  made  her
breake  into  these  words.   Is  it  possible (quoth she) a
Usurer should burne so litle here, and so much in Hell?   or
is  it  the  colde  propertie  of these Coales to be above a
twelvemonth a kindling?  so much to showe the frozen Charity

                                                      Page 8

of a Usurers Chimney.

     And then a Broaker to be an honest soule, that  is,  to
take  but  sixpence  a  month,  and three pence for the Bill
making:  a Divell of a very good conscience,  possible  too,
to   have  a  Lawyer  bribelesse  and  without  Fee  if  his
clyentesse or female clyent please his eie wel,  a  Merchant
to  weare  a  sute  of  perjury  but  once  a quarter or so:
mistake me not, I meane not foure times an hower, that shift
were  too  short, hee could not put it on so soone I thinke:
and lastly, not impossible for a Mercer to have a Thumbe  in
Folio,  like  one  of  the biggest of the Guard, and so give
good  and  very  bountifull  measure:   but  which  is  most
impossible,  to  be  a  right Bawde and poore, it strikes my
spleene into dulnes:  and turnes all  my  blood  into  coole
lead;   Wherefore was vice ordained but to bee rich, shining
and wealthy, seeing vertue her opponent  is  poore,  ragged,
and needy?  those that are poore


are  timorous  honest,  and  foolish  harmelesse,  as   your
carroling Sheepheards, whistling Plough-men, and such of the
same innocent Rancke, that never rellish the blacke Juice of
villanie,  never  taste  the  red  foode  of murther, or the
damnable suckets of Luxurie:  whereas a Pandar is  the  very
oyle of Villaines, and the sirroppe of Rogues;  of excellent
Rogues I meane, such as have purchasde five hundreds a yeare by the Talent of their villanie:  how many such Gallants doe I know, that live onely uppon the revenewe of their  wittes: some  whose  Braynes  are  above  an hundred mile about, and those are your Geometricall  Thieves,  which  may  fitly  be called  so,  because  they measure the High-wayes with false Gallops, and therefore are Heires of more  Acres  then  five and  fiftie  elder  Brothers:  sometimes they are Clerkes of Newe-market Heathe, sometimes the  Shiriffes  of  Salisburie Plaine;   and another time they commit Brothelrye, when they make many a man stand at Hockley in  the  Hole.   These  are your  great  head  Land-lords  indeed,  which  call the word Robbing, the gathering in  of  their  Rents,  and  name  all Passengers their Tenants at Will.

     Another set of delicate Knaves  there  are,  that  dive
into   Deedes   and   Writings  of  Landes,  left  to  young
Gull-finches, poysoning the true sence and intent  of  them,
with  the mercilesse Antimonie of the Common-Lawe, and so by some craftie Clawe or two, shove  the  true  foolish  Owners
quite  beside the Saddle of their Patrimonies, and then they
hang onely by the Stirrops:  that is, by the colde Almes and


frozen charitie of the Gentlemen-defeaters;   who  (if  they
take  after  me  their great Grandfather) will rather stampe
them downe in the deepe mire of povertie,  then  bolster  up
their  heads  with a poore wispe of charitie:  such as these

                                                      Page 9

corrupt the true meanings of  last  Willes  and  Testaments:
and  turne Legacies the wrong way, wresting them quite awrie
like Grauntum Steeple.

     The third Rancke (quainter then the former) presents us
with  the Race of lustie Vaulting Gallants, that in stead of
a French Horse  practize  uppon  their  Mistresses  all  the
nimble  Trickes  of  vaulting,  and  are worthie to bee made
Dukes for doing the Somerset so lively.

     This Neast of Gallants, for the  naturall  partes  that
are in them, are maintaynde by their Drawne-worke Dames, and their imbrodered  Mistresses,  and  can  dispend  their  two thousand  a yeare out of other mens Coffers:  keepe at every heele a man, beside a French Lackey, (a  great  Boy  with  a beard)  and an English Page, which filles up the place of an Ingle:  they have  their  Cittie-horse  (which  I  may  well
tearme  their  Stone-horse or their Horse uppon the Stones):
For indeed, the Cittie being the lusty Dame and Mistresse of
the  Land,  layes  all her foundation upon good Stone-worke,
and some body payes well for't, where 'ere  it  lights,  and
might  with  lesse  cost  keepe London-Bridge in reparations
every fall, then Mistresse Briget his wife;  for  Women  and
Bridges  alwayes  lacke  mending;  and what the advantage of
one Tide performes, comes another Tide presently and  washes away.


     Those   are   your   Gentlemen-Gallants,   that   seeth
uppermost,  and  never  lin gallopping, till they runne over
into the fire, so gloriously accoultred,  that  they  ravish
the  eyes  of  all Wantons, and take them prisoners in their
shops with a briske sute of  Apparell:   they  strangle  and
choake  more  Velvet  in  a  deepe gathered Hose, then would
serve to line through my Lord what call ye-hims Coach.

     What need I inferre more of their prodigall glistrings,
and  their  spangled  damnations?   when these are Arguments
sufficient to shew the wealth of sinne, and  howe  rich  the
Sonnes  and  Heires  of  Tartarie  are:   And  are  these so
glorious, so florishing, so brim-full of golden Lucifers  or
light  Angells,  and  thou  a Pandar and poore?  a Bawde and
emptie, appareld in villainous Pack thread, in a wicked Sute
of  course Hoppe-bagges, the wings and skirts faced with the
ruines of Dish-cloutes?  Fie, I shame to see thee  drest  up
so abhominable scurvie.  Complaynst thou of bad doings, when
there  are  Harlots  of  all  Trades,  and  Knaves  of   all
Languages?   Knowest thou not, that sinne may bee committed, either in French, Dutch, Italian, or Spanish, and all  after the  English  fashion?   But thou excusest the negligence of thy practize by the last Summers  Pestilence:   Alas,  poore
Shark-Gull,  that  put  off is idle:  for Serjant Carbuncle,
one of the Plagues chiefe Officers, dares not venture within
three  yardes  of  an  Harlot, because Mounseir Dry-bone the
French-man, is a Ledger before him.  At  which  speech,  the

                                                     Page 10

Slave  burst  into  a melancholy Laugh, which shewde for all


worlde like a sadde Tragedie with a Clowne  int:   and  thus
began to reply.

     I know not whether it be  Crosse  or  a  Curse,  (noble
Philippe  of Phlegeton) or whether both, that I am forced to
pinck foure Elles of Bagge to make mee a Summer suite, but I
protest,  what  with  this long Vacation, and the fidging of
Gallants to Norfolke, and up and downe Countries, Pierce was
never so Pennilesse, as poore Lieutenant Frig-beard.

     With those words he put me in minde of him for  whom  I
chiefly chaungde my selfe into an officious Constable, poore
Pierce-Pennilesse:   when  presently  I  demaunded  of  this
Leiuetenant  the place of his abode, and when hee last heard
of him (though I knew well enough both  where  to  heare  of
him,  and  finde  him)  to  which  hee  made  answere.  Who?
Pierce, honest  Pennilesse?   hee  that  writ  the  Mad-caps
Supplication?   why,  my  very  next Neighbour, lying within
three leane houses of mee, at olde Mistresse  Silver-pinnes,
the  onely  doore-keeper  in  Europe.   Why!   we  meete one
another every Terme time, and shake hands when the Exchequer opens,  but  when  we open our hands, the divell of Penny we can see.

     With that I cheerde up the  drooping  Slave,  with  the
Aqua  vitae of Villanie, and put him in excellent comfort of
my damnable Legacie:  saying, I would  stuffe  him  with  so
many  wealthy  instructions,  that  hee  should  excell even
Pandarus  himselfe,  and  goe  nine  mile  beyonde  him   in
Pandarisme,  and  from thence forward he should never know a true Rascall goe under his red Velvet slops;  and a  gallant Bawde


indeed belowe her loose-bodied Sattin!

     This saide, the slave hugd himselfe and bust the  Bawde
for  joy,  when  presently I left them in the midst of their
wicked Smack, and descended to my Bil-men that waited in the pernitious  Alley  for  me  their  Maister  Constable:   and
marching forward to the third Garden-house, there we  knockt
up  the  Ghost  of mistresse Silver-pin, who suddainly risse
out of two white sheetes, and acted out of her  tyring-house
windowe,   but  having  understood  who  we  were,  and  the
Authoritie of our office, she presently even in  her  Ghosts
apparel, unfolded the Doores, and gave me my free enterance,
when in policie I chargde the rest to  stay  and  watch  the
house  belowe,  whilst I stumbled up two payre of stayres in
the darke, but at last caught in mine eyes the sullen  blaze
of  a melancholy lampe, that burnt very tragically uppon the

                                                     Page 11

narrow Deske of a halfe Bedstead,  which  descryed  all  the
pittifull  Ruines  throughout  the  whole  chamber, the bare
privities of the stone-walls were hid  with  two  pieces  of
painted  Cloth;   but  so ragged and tottred, that one might
have seene all neverthelesse, hanging for all the world like
the  two  men in Chaynes betweene Mile-end and Hackney;  the Testerne or the shadow, over the  bed,  was  made  of  foure Elles  of Cobwebs, and a number of small Spinners Ropes hung downe for Curtaines;  the Spindle-shanke Spyders which showe like  great  Leachers  with litle legges, went stalking over his head, as if they had bene conning  of  Tamburlayne.   To conclude,  there  was  many  such sights to be seene and all under a Pennie, beside


the lamentable prospect of his hose and doublet, which being
of old Kendall Greene, fitly resembled a Pitcht Field, uppon
which trampled many a lusty Corporal:  in  this  unfortunate
Tyring-house  lay  poore  Pierce  upon  a  Pillow stuft with
Horsemeate, the Sheetes smudged so durtily, as if  they  had
bene  stolne by night out of Saint Pulchers Church-yard when
the Sexton had left a Grave open,  and  so  laide  the  dead
bodies  wool-ward;  the Coverlet was made of peices a blacke
Cloth clapt together, such as was snatcht off the railes  in
Kings Streete, at the Queenes Funerall:  upon this miserable
Beds-head, lay the old Copy of  his  Supplication  in  foule
written  hand which my blacke Knight of the Post conveyed to
Hell:  which no sooner I entertaynd in my hand, but with the
ratling  and  blabbing  of the papers, poore Pierce began to
stretch and grate his Nose against the  hard  Pillowe,  when
after  a  Rowze  or  two,  he  muttred  these  reeling words
betweene drunke and sober, that is,  betweene  sleeping  and

     I should laugh yfaith, if for all this I should prove a
Usurer  before  I  die, and have never a Penny now to set up
withall, I would build a Nunnery in  Pickt-hatch  here,  and
turne  the  walke  in  Powles into a Bowling-Alley;  I would
have the  Thames  leaded  over,  that  they  might  play  at
Cony-holes,  with the Arches under London-Bridge.  Well, and
with that he wakte, the divell is mad Knave still.

     How now Peirce, (quoth I) doest thou call mee Knave  to
my  face?  Whereat the poore slave started up with his haire
a tip-toe, to whom by easie degrees, I


gently discovered my selfe, who trembling like the treble of
a  Lute,  under  the  heavie  finger  of a Farmers daughter,
craved pardon of my damnable  Excellence,  and  gave  me  my Titles as freely, as if he had knowne where all my Lordships

                                                     Page 12

lay, and how many Acres there were in Tartarie:  but at  the
length  having  recovered to be bold againe, he unfolded all
his bosome to mee, told me that the Knight of  Perjurie  had
lately  brought  him  a  singed  Letter,  sent from a damned
Friend of his:  Which was thus directed, As followeth.


                 From Stix to Woods-close,


                 The Walke of Pickt-hatch.

     After I sawe poore Pennilesse grow so  well  acquainted
with  me,  and  so familiar with the villany of my humour, I
unlockt my determinations, and  laide  open  my  intents  in
particulars,  the cause of my uprising being moved both with
his penetrable petition and his  insufferable  poverty,  and
therefore   changed   my   shape  into  a  litle  wapper-eyd
Constable, to winke and blinke at small faults, and  through
the  policy of searching, to finde him out the better in his
cleanly Tabernacle, and therefore gave him encouragement now to  be  frolike,  for the time was at hand like a Pickpurse,
that Pierce should be cald  no  more  Pennilesse,  like  the
Maiors   bench  at  Oxford,  but  rather  Peirce-Penny-fist,
because his palme shall bee pawde with Pence.  This sayd,  I
bad  him  be  resolvde,  and get up to Breake-fast, whilst I
went to gather my Noyse of Villaines together, and made  his
lodging  my  Convocation-house:   with  that  in a resulting
humour, he calde his Hose and Dublet to  him,  (which  could
almost  goe  alone,  borne  like  a Herse upon the Legges of
Vermin) whilst I thumpt downe staires  with  my  Cowe-heele,
imbraced  Mistresse  Silver-pinne,  and  betooke  me  to  my
Bill-men:  when


in a twinckling before them all,  I  leapt  out  of  Maister
Constables Night-gowne, into an Usurers fustie furde Jacket,
whereat the Watch-men staggered, and all their  Billes  fell
downe  in a sowne:  when I walkte close by them laughing and
coughing like a rotten-lungde Usurer, to  see  what  Italian
faces  they  all  made,  when they mist their Constable, and
sawe the blacke Gowne of his Office lye full in a puddle.

     Well, away I scudded in the  mustie  moth-eaten  habit,
and  being  upon  Exchange-time,  I crowded my selfe amongst
Merchants, poysoned all the Burse in  a  minute,  and  turnd
their  Faiths  and Troths, into Curds and whaye, making them
sweare those things  now,  which  they  for-swore  when  the
Quarters  struck  againe:  for I was present at the clapping
up of every Bargaine, which did nere hold,  no  longer  then

                                                     Page 13

they  helde handes together:  there I heard newes out of all
Countries, in all Languages;  howe many Villainies  were  in
Spaine:   how  many Luxurs in Italie:  howe many perjurds in
France:  and how many Reele- pots in Germanie.

     At last I met at halfe turne, one,  whom  I  had  spent
mine  eyes  so  long  for, an hoarie money-maister, that had
beene off and on some sixe and fifty yeares  dambde  in  his
Counting-house,  for  his  onely  recreation  was but to hop
about the Burse before twelve, to heare what newes from  the
Bancke,  and  howe  many  Merchants  were  banqrout the last
change of the Moone.  This ramish Penny-father I rounded  in
the left Eare, winded in my intent, the place and


houre:  Which no sooner hee suckt in, but smilde uppon me in
French, and replyed.
                         O Mounseir Deiabla,
                         Ile be chiefe Guest at your Tabla.

     With that we shooke handes:  and as we parted,  I  bade
him bring Maister Cog-bill the Scrivener along with him, and
so I vanisht out of  that  dressing.   And  passing  through
Burchen-lane,  amidst  a  Campe Royall of Hose and Doublets, (Maister Snips backside being turnde where his face stood) I tooke  excellent  occasion  to slip into a Captaines Sute, a valiant Buff-Doublet, stuft with  Points  like  a  Legge  of Mutton  with  Parslye,  and  a payre of Velvet slops, scored thicke with Lace, which ranne  round  about  the  Hose  like Ring-wormes,  able to make a man scratch where it itcht not.  And thus accoultred, taking up my weapons  a  trust  in  the same  order,  at  the  next  Cutlers I came too, I marcht to Maister Bezles Ordinary, where I found a whole dozen  of  my damned crue sweating as much at Dice, as many poore Laborers doe with the casting of Ditches:  when presently I set in  a Stake  amongst  them:   round it went;  but the craftie Dice having peept uppon me once, knew who I was well enough,  and would  never  have  their little blacke eyes of a me all the while after;  at last came my turne about, the Dice  quaking in  my  Fist  before  I  threw  them;  but when I yerkt them forth, away they ranne like Irish Lackeys, as farre as


their bones would suffer them, I sweeping up all the  Stakes
that  laye  uppon  the  Table:   whereat some stampt, others
swore, the rest curst, and all in generall  fretted  to  the
Gaull,  that a new Commer (as they tearmed me) should gather in so many Fifteenes at the first vomit.

                                                     Page 14

     Well, thus it past on, the Dice running as false as the
Drabbes  in  White-Fryers, and when any one thought himselfe
surest, in came I with a lurching Cast, and  made  them  all
sweare  round  againe:   But  such  Gunne-powder Oathes they
were, that I wonder how the Seeling  held  together  without
spitting  Morter  upon them.  Zownes, Captaine, swore one to
mee, I thinke the Divell be  thy  good  Lorde  and  Maister:
True,   (thought   I)  and  thou  his  Gentleman-Usher.   In
conclusion, it fatted me better then twentie eighteene-pence
Ordinaries,  to  heare  them rage, curse and sweare, like so
many Emperours of Darknesse.  And all these twelve, were  of
twelve severall Companies.

     There  was  your  Gallant  extraordinary  Thiefe,  that
keepes  his Colledge of Good-Fellowes, and will not feare to
robbe a Lord in his Coach for all his tenne Trencher-bearers
on  horse-back,  your  deepe conceited Cut-purse, who by the
dexterity of his knife will draw out the money, and  make  a
flame-colourd  purse shew like the bottomlesse pit, but with
never a soule int:  your cheating Bowler  that  will  bancke
false  of  purpose,  and  loose  a  game  of twelve-pence to
purchase his


Partner twelve shillings in Betts, and so share it after the
Play.    Your   Cheverell-gutted   Catch-pole,  who  like  a
Horse-litch suckes Gentlemen, and in all your twelve  Tribes
of  Villanie,  who  no sooner understood the quaint forme of
such an  uncustomed  Legacie,  but  they  all  pawnde  their
vitious Golles to meete there, at the houre prefixt:  and to
confirme their resolution the more,  each  slipt  downe  his
Stockin,  baring  his  right  Knee, and so began to drinke a
Health, halfe as deepe as Mother Hubburds Celler:  She  that
was   calde   in  for  selling  her  working  Bottle-Ale  to
Booke-binders, and spurting the Froth upon Courtiers  Noses.
To  conclude,  I  was  their  onely  Captaine,  (for so they
pleasde to  title  mee)  and  so  they  all  rizze,  Poculis
manibusque, applauding my newes:  then the houre beeing more then once and once reiterated, we  were  all  at  our  hands againe, and so departed.

     I could tell nowe, that I was in many a second House in
the Cittie and Suburbs afterward, where my entertainment was
not barren, nor my welcome Cheape or  Ordinarie.   And  then
howe  I  walkte  in  Powles  to  see fashions;  to dive into
villainous meetings, pernitious Plots, blacke Humours, and a
Million  of  mischiefes,  which  are bred in that Cathedrall
Wombe, and borne within lesse then forty weekes after.   But
some  may  object  and  say;   What doth the Divell walke in
Powles then?  Why not,  Sir,  aswell  as  a  Serjant,  or  a
Ruffian,  or  a  Murderer:   may  not the Divell I praye you
walke in Powles

                                                     Page 15


as well as the Horse goe a toppe of Powles, for I am sure  I
was  not farre from his Keeper.  Puh, I doubt where there is
no doubt, for there is no true Criticke indeede,  that  will
carpe at the Divell.

     Now the Houre posted on-ward to accomplish the  effects
of  my  desire, to gorge every Vice full of poyson, that the
soule might burst at the last, and vomit out her selfe uppon
blew  cakes  of  Brimstone.   When  returning  home (for the
purpose, in my Captaynes apparell of  Buffe  and  Velvet)  I
strucke   mine   Hostesse   into  admiration  at  my  proper
appearance, for my Polt-foote was helpt out with Bumbast.  A
propertie  which many worldings use, whose Toes are dead and rotten, and therefore so stuffe out their Shooes,  like  the
corners of Wooll-Packes.

     Well, into my Tyring-house I went, where I  had  scarce
shifted  my  selfe  into  the  Apparell  of my last Will and
Testament,   (which   was   the   Habite   of   a   covetous
Barne-cracking  Farmer) but all my Striptlings of Perdition,
my Nephewes  of  Damnation:   my  Kindred  and  alliance  of
Villany  and  Sharking,  were  ready  before  the  houre, to
receive  my  Bottomlesse  Blessing.   When  entring  into  a
Countrey  Night-Gowne,  with  a  Cappe of sicknesse about my
browes, I was led in  betweene  Pierce-Pennilesse,  and  his
Hostesse, like a feeble Farmer, ready to depart England, and
sayle to the Kingdome of Tartarie:  who setting mee downe in
a  wicked  Chaire, all my pernitious Kins-folkes round about
mee, and the


Scrivener betweene my legges (for hee loves alwayes  to  sit
in  the  Divells  Cot-house)  thus  with a whay-countenance,
short  stoppes,  and   earthen-dampish   voyce,   the   true
Counterfets  of  a  dying Cullian, I proceeded to the blacke
Order of my Legacies.


      The last Will and Testament of Lawrence Lucifer,
            the olde wealthy Bachiler of Limbo.
       Dicke Devil-Barne, the griping Farmer of Kent.

     In the Name of Bezle-bub, Amen.

     I Lawrence Lucifer, alias, Dicke Devil-Barne, sicke  in
soule  but  not  in body, beeing in perfect health to wicked
memorie:  Doe constitute and Ordaine this my last  Will  and
Testament  Irrevocable,  as  long  as  the  world  shall  be

                                                     Page 16

trampled on by Villanie.

     Inprimis, I Lawrence  Lucifer,  bequeath  my  soule  to
Hell, and my bodie to the Earth, amongst you all, divide mee
and share me equally, but with as much wrangling as you can,
I pray:  and it will be the better if you goe to Law for me.


     As  touching  my  worldly-wicked  Goods,  I  give   and
bequeath them in most villanous order following.

     First,   I   constitute   and   Ordaine,    Leiuetenant
Frig-beard,  Arch-  Pander of England, my sole Heire, of all
such Lands, Closes and Gappes, as lie within the Boundes  of
my  gift:   beside,  I  have certaine Houses, Tenements, and
withdrawing   Roomes   in    Shoreditch,    Tunbold-streete,
White-Fryers,  and  Westminster:   which  I  freely give and
bequeath to the aforesayde Leiutenant, and the  base  Heires
truely  begotte  of  his villanous body:  with this Proviso,
that hee sell none of the Land when hee  lacks  money;   nor
make  away  any  of  the  Houses  to  impaire and weaken the
Stocke, no not so much as to alter the propertie of  any  of
them, which is to make them honest against their willes, but
to traine and muster his wittes upon the  Mile-ende  of  his
Mazard,    rather    to    fortifie   the   Territories   of
Tunbold-street, and enrich the Countie of Pickt-Hatch,  with
all his vitious Endevours:  golden Enticements, and damnable
Practises.  And Leiutenant, thou must dive (as thou usest to
doe)  into Landed Novices, who have onely wit to be licorish
and no more, that so their Tenants  trotting  up  to  London
with their Quartridges, they may pay them the rent, but thou
and thy Colledge shall receive the money.

     Let no yong rigle-eyde  Damosell  (if  her  years  have
strucke twelve once) be left unassaulted, but it must be thy
Office to lay hard seige to her honestie:  and to try


if the walles of her Mayden-head may be scaled with a ladder
of Angells:  for one Acre of such Wenches will bring in more
at yeares ende, then an hundred Acres of the  best  harrowed
Land  betweene  Detford and Dover:  and take this for a Note
by the way, you must never  walke  without  your  Dewce,  or
Dewce-Ace of Drabbes, after your Boote-heeles:  for when you are abroad you know not what use you may have for them.  And lastly  (if  you  will be well feed by some riotous Gallant) you must practize, (as indeed you doe) to winde out a wanton Velvet-cap  and  Bodkin,  from  the  tangles  of her Shoppe, teaching her (you know how) to cast a Cuckolds  Mist  before the  eyes  of  her Husband, which is, telling him, shee must

                                                     Page 17

see her Coozen, new come to Towne:  or that shee goes  to  a
womans  Labour:  when thou knowest well ynough, shee goes to none but her owne:  and being set out of the  Shoppe,  (with
her  man  afore her, to quench the jealouzie of her Husband)
shee by thy  instructions  shall  turne  the  honest  simple
fellow  off,  at the next turning, and give him leave to see
the  merry  Divell  of  Edmunton,  or  a  Woman  kild   with
kindnesse:   when  his  Mistresse  is going her selfe to the
same murther.  Thousand of such  inventions,  practizes  and
devices,  I  stuffe thy Trade withall:  beside the luxurious
meetings at Tavernes, ten pound suppers, and fifteene  pound
reckonings,  made  up  afterwards  with  riotous  Egges  and
Muscadine.   All  these  female  vomites,   and   adulterous
Surfets, I give and bequeath to thee, which I hope thou wilt
put in practize with all expedition, after


my decease:  and to that ende,  I  ordaine  thee  wholy  and
solely, my onely absolute, excellent, villanous Heire.

     Item, I give and bequeath to you Gregory Gauntlet, high
Thiefe  on  Horse-backe;  all such summes of Money, that are
nothing due to you, and to  receive  them  in,  whether  the
Parties  bee  willing  to pay you or no.  You neede not make
many wordes with them, but  onely  these  two:   Stand,  and
Deliver;   and  therefore  a true thiefe cannot chuse but be
wise, because hee is a man of so very fewe words.

     I neede not instruct you, I thinke Gregorie, about  the
politicke  searching  of craftie Carryers Packes, or ripping
up the bowells of wide Bootes, and Cloake-bagges, I doe  not
doubt  but  you  have  already  exercised them all.  But one
thing I especially charge you  of:   the  neglect  of  which
makes  many  of  your  Religion  tender  their wine-pipes at
Tyburne, at least three Monthes before their day:   that  if
you  chaunce  to  robbe a vertuous Townesman on Horse-backe, with his wife uppon a Pillion  behinde  him,  you  presently speake them faire to walke a Turne or two at one side, where binding them both together like Man and Wife, arme  in  arme very lovingly:  Bee sure you tie them hard ynough, for feare they breake the bondes of Matrimonie,  which  if  it  should fall out so, the matter would lie sore uppon your Neckes the next Sessions after, because your negligent tying, was the


cause of that breach betweene them.

     Now, as for your Welch Hue and Crie (the onely Nette to
catch  Theeves  in)  I knowe you avoyde well ynough, because
you can shift both your Beardes and your  Townes  well,  but
for your better disguising, henceforward I will fit you with

                                                     Page 18

a Beard-maker of mine owne:  One that makes  all  the  false
haires for my Divells, and all the Periwigges that are worne
by olde Courtiers, who take it for a pride  in  their  balde
dayes  to  weare yallowe Curles on their Foreheads, when one
may almost see the Sunne goe to bed through the  chinkes  of
their faces.

     Moreover Gregorie, because I know thee  toward  ynough,
and  thy  armes  full  of  feates,  I  make  thee  Keeper of
Come-Parke;  Serjant of Salisburie-Plaine;   Warden  of  the
Standing-places;   and  lastly,  Constable  of  all  Heaths,
Holes, High-wayes, and Conny-groves:  hoping that thou  wilt
execute  these Places and Offices as truely, as Dericke will
execute his place and Office at Tyburne.

     Item, I give and  bequeath  to  thee  Dicke  Dogge-man,
Graund-  Catchpole, (over and above thy bare-bone Fees, that
will scarse  hang  wicked  flesh  on  thy  backe)  all  such
Lurches,  Gripes  and  Squeezes, as may bee wrung out by the
fist of extortion.

     And because I take pittie on thee, wayting so  long  as
thou usest to doe, ere thou canst land one


Fare at the Counter, watching sometimes ten houres  together
in  an  Ale-house,  ever and anon peeping forth and sampling
thy Nose with the red Lattis:  let him whosoever that  falls
into  thy  Clutches  at night, pay well for thy standing all
day:  And couzen Richard when thou hast caught  him  in  the
Moustrap  of thy libertie with the cheese of thy office, the
wire of thy hard fist being clapt downe upon his  Shoulders,
and  the  backe of his estate almost broken to pieces;  then
call thy cluster of  fellow-vermins  together,  and  sit  in
triumph  with  thy  prisoner  at  the upper end of a Taverne
table, where under the colour of showing him favour (as  you
tearme it) in waiting for Bayle, thou and thy Counter-liche,
may swallow downe sixe Gallons of Charnico, and  then  begin
to  chafe  that he makes you stay so long before Peter Bayle
comes:  And here it will not be amisse if you call  in  more
wine-suckers,  and  damne  as  many Gallons againe;  for you
know your prisoners ransome will pay for all:   this  is  if
the  partie  be  flush  now,  and  would not have his credit
copparde with a scurvey Counter.

     Another  kinde  of  rest  you  have  which  is   called
Shoopenny,  that is, when you will be paide for every stride
you take:  and if the Channell be dangerous and  ruffe,  you
will not step over under a Noble:  a very excellent Lurch to
get up the price of your legs,  betweene  Powles-chaine  and

                                                     Page 19

     But  that  which  likes  me  beyond  measure,  is   the
villanous  nature of that arrest which I may fitly tearme by
the name of Cog-shoulder, when you clap


a both sides like old Rowse in Cornewell, and receive double
Fee  both  from the Creditor and the Debter, swearing by the
post of your office to shoulder-clap the  party,  the  first
time  he lights upon the Limetwigs of your liberty, when for
a little Usurers Oyle,  you  allowe  him  day  by  day  free
passage  to  walke by the wicked precinct of your Noses, and
yet you will pimple your soules with oathes, till  you  make
them  as  well  favoured  as your faces, and sweare he never
came within the verge of your eyelids:   nay  more,  if  the
Creditor  were  present to see him arrested on the one side,
and the party you wot on, over the way at  the  other  side,
you  have  such  quaint  shifts,  prety hindrances, and most
Lawyer-like delayes ere you will set forward,  that  in  the
meane  time  he  may make himselfe away in some by Alley, or rush into the Bowells of some Taverne, or drinking  schoole; or if neither, you will find talke with some Sharke-shift by the way, and give him the markes of  the  partie,  who  will presently  start  before  you, give the Debter Intelligence, and so a rotten Fig  for  the  Catchpole.   A  most  wittie, smooth,  and damnable conveyance:  many such running devices breede in the Reynes of your offices:   beside  I  leave  to speake  of  your  unmercifull  dragging  a Gentleman through Fleet-streete, to the utter confusion of his white  Feather, and  the  lamentable  spattring  of  his Pearle-colour silke Stockins, especially when some sixe of your blacke Dogges of Newgate  are  uppon  him  at  once.  Therefore sweete cousen Richard (for you are the neerest kinsman I have) I


give and bequeath to you no more then you have already,  for
you  are  so  well  gorged  and  stuft  with  that, that one
spoonefull of villanie more, would  over-lay  your  stomacke
quite, and I feare me make you kicke up all the rest.

     Item, I give and bequeath to you Benedick  Bottomlesse,
most  deepe  Cut-purse,  all  the benefite of Pageant-dayes,
great  Market-dayes,  Ballat-places,  but   especially   the
Six-Pennt  Roomes in Play-houses, to Cut, Dive, or Nim, with
as much speede, Arte, and dexteritie, as may be  handled  by
honest  Rogues  of  thy qualitie.  Nay, you shall not sticke
Benedick, to give a shave of your Office at Powles Crosse in
the  Sermon time:  but thou holdst it a thing thou mayst doe
by  law,  to  cut  a  Purse  in  Westminster  Hall.    True,
Benedicke,  if  thou  be sure the Lawe bee on that side thou
cutst it on.

                                                     Page 20

     Item, I give and bequeath  to  you,  old  Bias,  Alias,
Humfrey Hollow-banke, true cheating Bowler, and Lurcher, the one halfe of all false Bettes, Cunning Hookes, subtill Tyes,
and Crosse-layes, that are ventured upon the landing of your
Bowle, and the safe arriving at the Haven of the  Mistresse,
if  it chaunce to passe all the daungerous Rocks and Rubs of
the Alley, and be not choackt in the sand, like a  Merchants
Ship,  before it comes halfe way home, which is none of your
fault (youle say and sweare) although in your  owne  turnde-
conscience  you  know, that you threwe it above three yardes
short out of hand, upon very set purpose.

     Moreover, Humfrey, I give you the lurching of all


yong Novices, Citizens sonnes, and Countrey Gentlemen,  that
are  hookt  in  by  the  winning of one Twelve-penny Game at
first, lost upon policy, to  bee  cheated  of  Twelve-pounds
worth-a Bets afterward.  And olde Bias, because thou art now
and then  smelt  out  for  a  Coosner,  I  would  have  thee
sometimes  goe disguisde (in honest apparell) and so drawing
in amongst Bunglers and Ketlers, under the plaine Freeze  of
simplicitie,  thou  mayst finely couch the wrought-velvet of

     Item, I give and bequeath to your Coosen  German  here,
Francis  Finger-false, Deputie of Dicing-houses, all cunning
Lifts, Shifts, and Couches, that ever were, are,  and  shall
be  invented,  from this houre of a Leven-clocke upon blacke
Munday, untill it smite Twelve a clocke at Doomes-day:   and
this  I  know  Francis,  if you doe endevour to excell, as I
know you doe, and will truely practize falsely, you may live
more  gallanter  farre  upon  three  Dice, then many of your
foolish Heires about  London,  uppon  thrice  three  hundred

     But   turning   my   Legacie   to   you-ward,   Barnaby
Burning-glasse,    Arch   Tabacco-taker   of   England,   in
Ordinaryes, upon Stages both common and private, and lastly,
in  the  Lodging  of  your Drabbe and Mistresse:  I am not a
little proud, I can tell you Barnaby, that you daunce  after
my   Pipe   so   long:    and   for  all  Counterblasts  and
Tabacco-Nashes (which some call Raylers) you are not  blowne away,   nor  your  fierie  thirst  quencht  with  the  small
Penny-Ale of their


contradictions, but still suck that dug of damnation, with a
long  nipple,  still  burning that rare Phaenix of Phlegiton
Tabacco, that from her ashes burnt and knockt out, may arise
another  pipefull:  Therefore I give and bequeath unto thee,

                                                    Page 21

a breath of all religions, save the true one, and tasting of
all  countries,  save his owne:  a brayne well sooted, where
the Muses hang up in the  smoake  like  red  Herrings:   and
looke how the narrow alley of thy pipe showes in the inside,
so shall all the pipes through thy body.   Besides,  I  give
and bequeath to thy lungs, as smooth as Jet, and just of the
same colour, that when thou art closed  in  thy  grave,  the
wormes  may  be consumed with them, and take them for blacke Puddings.

     Lastly, not least, I give and bequeath to thee  Pierce-
pennelesse,  exceeding poore Scholler, that hath made cleane
shooes in both Universities, and bene a pittifull Batler all
thy  life time, full often heard with this lamentable cry at
the Buttry-hatch;  Ho Lancelot, a Cewe of bread, and a  Cewe
of  beere,  never passing beyond the confines of a farthing,
nor once munching commons, but onely upon Gaudy  dayes:   To thee  most  miserable Pierce, or pierced through and through with miserie, I bequeath the tythe of  all  Vaulting-Houses, the  tenth  deneere of each heigh passe come a loft:  beside the playing in and out of all wenches at thy pleasure, which I  know  as thou maist use it, wil be such a fluent pension, that thou  shalt  never  have  need  to  write  Supplication againe.

     Now for the especiall trust and confidence I have in


both you, Mihell  Mony  God  Usurer,  and  Leonard  Lavender Broker,  or  pawne-lender, I make you two my full Executors, to the true disposing  of  all  these  my  hellish  intents, wealthy villanies, and most pernicious damnable Legacies.

     And now kinsmen and friends, winde about me, my  breath
begins to coole, and all my powers to freese.  And I can say
no more to you Nephewes then I  have  saide,  only  this,  I
leave  you  all like Rats- bane to poyson the realme.  And I
pray, be all of you as arrant villaines as you can  be,  and
so  farewel, be all hangde, and come downe to me as soone as
you can.

     This saide, he departed to his  moulton  kingdome,  the
winde  risse,  the  bottome  of  the  Chayre  flew  out, the
Scrivener fell flat upon his nose, and here is the end of  a
harmelesse Morrall.




                                                     Page 22

     Now Syr, what is your censure now?  you have read me  I
am  sure:   am  I  blacke  ynough  think  you, drest up in a
lasting suite of Incke?  Do I deserve my  Darke  and  pitchy
Tytle?   Sticke  I close ynough to a villaines Ribs?  Is not
Lucifer liberall to his Nephewes, in this his last Will  and
Testament?    Meethinkes   I  heare  you  say-nothing:   and
therefore I know you are pleasde and agree to all:  for  Qui
tacit  consentire  videtur:  And I allow you Wise, and truly
Judicious, because you keepe your Censure to your selfe.




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