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THE
BLACKE
BOOKE
LONDON
Printed by T.C. for Jeffrey
Chorlton.
1604
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The Epistle to the Reader.
or
The true Character of this Booke.
To all those that are truly Vertuous,
and can touch
Pitch and yet never
defile themselves: reade the
mischievous lives and pernicious practises of Villaines, and
yet be never the worse at the end of the Booke, but
rather
confirmde the more in their honest
Estates, and the
uprightnes of their Vertues: To such I dedicate
my selfe,
the wholesome intent of my labours,
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the modestie of my Phrases, that even
blush when they
discover Vices, and unmaske the worlds shadowed villanies:
And I account him as a Traytor to Vertue, who diving
into
the deepe of this cunning Age,
and finding there such
Monsters of Nature, such speckled lumps
of poyson, as
Pandars, Harlots, and Ruffians do figure,
if hee rise up
silent again, and neither discover or publish them to
the
civil Ranck of sober and continent Livers, who thereby
may
shunne those two devouring Gulfes: to wit, of
Deceit and
Luxury, which swallow up more Mortals,
then Scylla and
Charibdis, those two Cormorants and Woolners of the Sea, one tearing,
the other devouring: Wherefore I freely perswade my selfe,
no vertuous spirit, or Judiciall Worthy, but wil approve
my politick Morrall, where under the shadow of the Divels Legacies,
or his bequeathing to Villaines, I
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strip their villanies naked, and bare the infectious Bulkes
of Craft, Coosnage, and Pandarisme, the three Bloodhoundes
of a Common-wealth: And thus farre I presume,
that none
will or can except at this which I
call the Black Booke
(because it doubly Damnes the Divel)
but some tainted
Harlot, Noselesse Bawde, obsceane Ruffian, and such
of the
same blacke Nature, and filthy Condition, that poyson
the
towardly Spring of Gentilitie, and corrupt with the
mud of
mischiefs the pure and cleare streames of a Kingdome:
And
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to spurgall such, who reades me shall know
I dare, for I
feare neither the Rats-bane of a Harlot, nor the Ponyard of
a Villaine.
T.M.
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A Morall.
Lucifer ascending, as Prologue to
his owne Play.
Now is Hell landed here upon the Earth,
When Lucifer in limbes of burning gold,
Ascends this dustie Theator of the world,
To joyne his powers: and were it numbred well,
There are more Divels on Earth then are in Hell.
Hence springs my damned joy, my torturde spleene
Melts into mirthfull Humour at this Fate,
That heaven is hung so high, drawne up so farre,
And made so fast, naylde up with many a Starre.
And Hell the very shop-boord of the Earth,
Where when I cut out soules, I throw the shreds
And the white-lynings of a new-soyld Spirit,
Pawnde to luxurious and adulterous merit.
Yea, that's the sinne, and now it takes her turne,
For which the world shall like a Strumpet burne:
And for an Instance to fire false imbraces
I make the world burne now in secret places,
I haunt invisible corners as a Spie,
And in adulterous Circles there rise I:
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There am I conjur'd up through hote desire,
And where Hell rises there must needs be fire.
And now that I have vaulted up so hye
Above the Stage-rayles of this earthen Globe:
I must turne Actor, and joyne Companyes
To share my Comick sleek-eyde Villanyes.
For I must weave a thousand Ills in one,
To please my blacke and burnt Affection:
Why? every Tearme-time I come up to sowe
Dissention betwixt Plough-men, that should sowe
The Feilds vaste wombe, and make the harvest growe:
So comes it oft to passe deare yeares befall,
When Plough-men leave the Field to till the Hall:
Thus Famine and bleake dearth doe greet the Land,
When the Plough's held betweene a Lawyers hand.
I fatte with joy to see how the poore Swaynes
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Doe boxe their Country-thyes, carrying their Packets
Of writings, yet can neither reade nor write,
They're like to Candles if they had no light:
For they're darke within, in sence and Judgement,
As is the Hole at New-gate, and their thoughts
Are like the men that lye there without spirit.
This strikes my blacke soule into ravishing Musicke,
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To see Swaynes plod and shake their ignorant skuls:
For they are nought but skul, their braine but Burre,
Wanting wits marrowe and the sap of Judgement;
And how they grate with their hard nayly soales
The stones in Fleet-street, and strike fire in Powles:
Nay, with their heavie Trot, and yron-stalke,
They have worne off the brasse in the mid-walke.
But let these passe for Bubbles and so die,
For I rise now to breathe my Legacie:
And make my last Will, which I know shall stand,
As long as Bawde, or Villaine strides the Land.
For which Ile turne my shape quite out of Verse,
Mov'd with the Supplication of poore Peirce,
That writ so rarely villanous from hence,
For spending money to my Excellence:
Gave me my Titles freely, for which giving,
I rise now to take order for his Living.
The blacke Knight of the Poste shortly returnes
From Hell, where many a Tabacc'nist burnes:
With newes to smoaky Gallants, Ryotous Heires,
Strumpets that follow Theators and Faires,
Gilded-nosde Usurers, base mettald Pandars
To Copper Captaines, and Pickt-hatch Commanders,
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To all infectious Catch-poles through the Towne,
The very speckled vermin of a crowne:
To these and those, and every damned one,
Ile bequeath Legacies to thrive upon:
Amongst the which, Ile give for his redresse,
A standing Pension to Peirce-Pennilesse.
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THE BLACKE BOOKE.
No sooner was Peirce-Pennilesse breathed
forth, but I
the Light-burning Serjant Lucifer, quencht my firie
shape,
and whipt into a Constables Night-gowne,
the cunningst
habite that could be, to search Tipsie Tavernes,
roosting
Innes, and frothy Ale-houses, when calling
together my
worshipfull Bench of Bill-men,
I proceeded toward
Pickt-hatch, intending to beginne their first, which (as
I
may fitly name it) is the very skirts of all Brothel-houses;
the watchmen poore Night-crowes followed, and thought still
they had had the Constable by the hand, when they
had the
divill by the Gowne-sleeve; at last I looking
up to the
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casements of every suspected mansion, and
spying a light
twinckling, betweene hope and desperation, gessed it to
be
some sleepie snuffe, ever and anon winking and
nodding in
the socket of a Candlesticke, as if the flame had
been a
departing from the greasie body
of Simon Snuffe the
Stinckard: whereupon I the blacke Constable commanded
my white Guard, not onely to assist my Office with their browne Billes,
but to raise up the house extemporie: with that the dreadfull watchmen
having authority
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standing by them, thundred at the doore, whilst the Candle
lightned in the Chamber, and so
betweene thundring and
lightning, the Bawde rizze, furst putting the Snuffe to
an
untimely death, a cruell and a lamentable murther, and then
with her fat-sag-chinne hanging downe like a Cowes
Udder,
lay reeking out at the windowe, demaunding the
reason why
they did sumon a Parly: I told her in plaine tearmes,
that
I had a warrant to search, from the Sheriffe of Limbo; How?
from the Sheriffe of Lime-streete
replyed Mistresse
Wimble-chinne, (for so shee understood the word Limbo, as if
Limbo had bene Latten for Lime-streete) why then
all the
doores of my house shall flye open and receive you Maister
Constable; with that, as being the watch-word, two or three
vaulted out of their beddes at once, one swearing
stockes
and stones, he could not finde his stockins, other that they
could not hit uppon their false
bodies, when to speake
troath and shame my selfe, they were then as close to their
flesh as they could, and never put them off since they were
twelve yeare old: At last they shuffled up, and were
shut
out at the back-part, as I came in at the North-part, up the
stayres I went to examine the Featherbeddes, and carrie the
sheetes before the Justice, for there was none else then to
carrie, onely the flowre was strewde with
Buske-pointes,
silke Garters, and shooe-strings, scattred here
and there
for hast to make away from me, and the farther such
runne,
the neerer they come to me:
then another doore opening
rere-ward, there came puffing out of the
next roome a
villainous Leiftenant without a Band, as if he had bene new
cut downe, like one at Wapping, with his
cruell Garters
about his
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Necke, which fitly resembled two of Dericks Neckelaces:
he
had a head of hayre like one
of my Divells in Docter
Faustus, when the old Theater crackt
and frighted the
Audience; His Browe was made of course Branne,
as if all
the Flower had bene boulted out to make honester
men, so
ruggedly moulded with chops and crevises, that I wonder how
it helde together, had it not bene pasted with villany; His
eye-browes jetted out like the
round casement of an
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Aldermans dining-roome, which made his eyes looke as if they
had bene both damned in his head: for if so be
two soules
had bene so farre suncke into Hell-pittes, they would never
have walkt abroad againe: His
Nosthrills were cousen
Germans to Currall, though of a softer condition, and of
a
more relenting humour; His Crowe-blacke
Muchatoes, were almost halfe an Ell from one end to the other,
as though they would whisper him in
the eare about a cheate or a murther: and his
whole face in generall, was more
detestable ougly then the visage of my grim Porter Cerberus,
which shewed that all his body besides was made of
filthy
Dust, and Sea-cole ashes: A downe countenance he had, as if
he would have lookte thirty mile into
Hell, and seene
Sisyphus rowling, and Ixion spinning and reeling: thus in
a
payre of hoary Slippers, his stockins dangling
about his
wrists, and his read Buttons like Foxes out of their holes,
he began like the true Champion of a vaulting-house,
first
to fray me with the Bug-beares of his rough-cast beard, and
then to sound base in mine eares, like the
Beare-garden
Drum, and this was the humour
he put on, and the very
apparell of his Phrases: Why! maister Constable, dare
you
bawke us in our owne mansion? ha!
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What is not our house our Cole-harbour,
our Castle of
come-downe, and lye-downe? must my
honest wedded Punck here, my glorie-fatte Awdry be taken napping, and
raisd up by the thunder of Bil-men?
are we disanuld of our first sleepe? and cheated of our dreames and
fantasies? is there not Law too for stealing away
a mans slumbers, as well as for sheetes off from hedges? Come you
to search an honest Bawdie-house, this seven
and twentie yeares in fame and shame? goe too then, you
shall search; nay, my very Bootes too: are you well now?
the least hole in my house too, are you pleasde now? can we not take
our ease in our Inne, but we must come out so quickly?
Nawd, goe to bed, sweet Nawd, thou wilt coole thy grease anon, and
make thy fat cake. This sayd (by the vertue
and vice of my Office) I commanded my Bil-men downe staires, when in a
twinckling discovering my selfe a little, as much as might serve
to rellish me, and shew what stuffe I was made off, I came and kist the
Bawde, hugde her excellent villanies and cunning rare conveyances,
then turning my selfe, I threw mine armes (like a scarffe or Bandaleere)
crosse the Leiftenants melancholly Bosome, embracst
his resolute phrases, and his dissolute humours, highly
commending the damnable Trade, and detestable course of their living, so
excellent filthie, and so admirable villanous!
Whereupon this Leiftenant of Pickt-hatch, fell into deeper
league and farther acquaintance with
the blackenesse of my bosome, sometimes calling
me Maister Lucifer the Head-borow, sometimes Maister
Devillin, the little blacke Constable. Then
telling me, he heard from Limbo the II. of the last Moneth,
and that he had the
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letter to shew, where they were all very mery: marry
as he
told me, there were some of his friends in Phlegeton,
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troubled with the heart-burning: yea,
and with the
soule-burning too thought I: though thou litle
dreamst of
the torment: then complaining to me of their bad
takings
all the last plaguy Sommer, that there was no stirrings, and
therefore undone for want of doings, whereupon after
many
such inductions to bring the sceane of his poverty upon the
Stage, he desired in coole tearmes to borrow
some forty
pence of me; I stuft with anger
at that base and lazie
petition, (knowing that a right true
villaine, and an
absolute practizd Pandar could not want silver
damnation,
but living upon the Revenewes of his wits, might
purchase
the Divel and all), halfe conquerd with rage thus I replyed
to his basenes.
Why! for shame a Bawde
and poore? why then let
usurers goe a begging, or like an old Greeke stand in Powles
with a Porringer! let Brokers become whole honest then, and
remove to heaven out of Hounsditch! Lawyers turne feelesse,
and take Ten of a poore Widdowes teares for Tenne shillings!
Merchants never forsweare themselves, whose great perjurde
oaths a Land turne to great windes and cast away their Ships at Sea:
which false perfidious tempest splits their ships abroad, and their soules
at home, making the one take salt water, and the
other salt fire: let Mercers then have
conscionable Thumbes, when they measure out
that smooth
glittering Divel Sattin, and that old Reveller Velvet in the
daies of Mounseir, both which have devoured many an
honest Field of Wheate and Barly, that hath bene metamorphosed and
changed into white mony; puh, these are but litle
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wonders, and may be easily possible in the
working; A
Usurer to cry bread and meate is not a thing impossible, for
indeed your greatest Usurer is your greatest Begger, wanting
as well that which he hath, as that which he hath not: then
who can be a greater Begger? he wil not have his house smel
like a Cookes shop, and therefore takes an order
no meate
shall be drest in it, and because there was an House
upon
Fish-streete Hill burnt to the Ground once, hee can abide by
no meanes to have a fire in his Chimny ever since: to
the
confirming of which, I wil insert here a pretie conceit of a
nimble-wittied Gentlewoman, that was worthy to be Ladyfied
for the Jest, who entring into a Usurers House in London, to
take up mony upon unmerciful Interest, for the space
of a
Twelvemoneth, was conducted through two
or three hungry
roomes into a faire dining Roome, by a Lenten-faced Fellow,
the Usurers man, whose Nose showde as if it had bene made of
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hollow Past-boord, and his Cheeks like two thin
Pancakes
clapt together: A pittiful knave he was, and lookte for all
the world as if meale had bene at
twentie shillings a
Bushell: the Gentlewoman being placed in this
faire Roome
to awayt the Usurers leysure, who was casting up Ditches of
Golde in his Counting-house, and being almost
frozen with
standing (for it was before Kandelmas Frost-bitten Tearme)
ever and anon turning about to the Chimney where shee sawe a paire
of Corpulent Giganticall Andiorns that stood like two
Burgomasters at both corners, a Harth briskly drest up, and
a great cluster of Charcoale pilde up together like
blacke
Puddings, which laye for a
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dead fire, and in the dyning Roome too: the
Gentlewoman
wondring it was so long a kindling, at last shee caught the
miserable conceit of it, and calling her man to her, bad him
seeke out for a piece of Chalke, or some peeling of a white
Wall, whilest in the meane time shee conceited the Device,
when taking up the sixe former Coales one
after another,
shee chalkt upon each of them a Satyricall Letter,
which
sixe were these.
T. D. C. R. U. S.
Explainde thus:
These Dead Coales, Resemble
Usurers Soules.
Then placing them in the same order againe,
turning the
chalkt sides inward to try conclusions,
which as it
happened, made up the Jest the better, by that
time the
Usurer had done amongst his golden heapes, and entertaining
the Gentlewoman with a Cough a quarter of an houre long, at
last after a rotten Hawke and a Hem, he began
to spit and
speake to her: To conclude, she was furnished of the
mony
for a twelvemoneth, but upon large
securitie and most
Tragicall Usury; when keeping her day the
Twelve-moneth
after, comming to repaie both the mony and the breede of it
(for Interest may well be calde the Usurers Bastard)
shee
found the Hearth drest up in the same
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order with a dead fire of Charcole againe,
and yet the
Thames was halfe frozen at that time with the bitternes
of
the season: when turning the formost
ranke of coales,
determining againe as it seemd to drawe some prety knavery
uppon them too, shee spyed all those sixe Letters which shee
chalkt uppon them the twelvemonth before, and
never a one
stirde or displaced: the strange sight of which, made
her
breake into these words. Is
it possible (quoth she) a
Usurer should burne so litle here, and so much in Hell?
or
is it the colde propertie of these
Coales to be above a
twelvemonth a kindling? so much to showe the frozen Charity
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of a Usurers Chimney.
And then a Broaker to be an honest soule,
that is, to
take but sixpence a month, and three
pence for the Bill
making: a Divell of a very good conscience, possible
too,
to have a Lawyer bribelesse
and without Fee if his
clyentesse or female clyent please his eie wel, a Merchant
to weare a sute of perjury but
once a quarter or so:
mistake me not, I meane not foure times an hower, that shift
were too short, hee could not put it on so soone I thinke:
and lastly, not impossible for a Mercer to have a Thumbe in
Folio, like one of the biggest of the Guard,
and so give
good and very bountifull measure:
but which is most
impossible, to be a right Bawde and poore,
it strikes my
spleene into dulnes: and turnes all my blood
into coole
lead; Wherefore was vice ordained but to bee rich, shining
and wealthy, seeing vertue her opponent is poore,
ragged,
and needy? those that are poore
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are timorous honest, and foolish harmelesse,
as your
carroling Sheepheards, whistling Plough-men, and such of the
same innocent Rancke, that never rellish the blacke Juice of
villanie, never taste the red foode
of murther, or the
damnable suckets of Luxurie: whereas a Pandar is the
very
oyle of Villaines, and the sirroppe of Rogues; of excellent
Rogues I meane, such as have purchasde five hundreds a yeare by
the Talent of their villanie: how many such Gallants doe I know,
that live onely uppon the revenewe of their wittes: some whose
Braynes are above an hundred mile about, and those are
your Geometricall Thieves, which may fitly
be called so, because they measure the High-wayes with
false Gallops, and therefore are Heires of more Acres then
five and fiftie elder Brothers: sometimes they
are Clerkes of Newe-market Heathe, sometimes the Shiriffes
of Salisburie Plaine; and another time they commit Brothelrye,
when they make many a man stand at Hockley in the Hole.
These are your great head Land-lords indeed,
which call the word Robbing, the gathering in of their
Rents, and name all Passengers their Tenants at Will.
Another set of delicate Knaves there
are, that dive
into Deedes and Writings
of Landes, left to young
Gull-finches, poysoning the true sence and intent of
them,
with the mercilesse Antimonie of the Common-Lawe, and so by
some craftie Clawe or two, shove the true foolish
Owners
quite beside the Saddle of their Patrimonies, and then they
hang onely by the Stirrops: that is, by the colde Almes and
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frozen charitie of the Gentlemen-defeaters; who
(if they
take after me their great Grandfather) will rather
stampe
them downe in the deepe mire of povertie, then bolster
up
their heads with a poore wispe of charitie: such
as these
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corrupt the true meanings of last Willes and
Testaments:
and turne Legacies the wrong way, wresting them quite awrie
like Grauntum Steeple.
The third Rancke (quainter then the former)
presents us
with the Race of lustie Vaulting Gallants, that in stead of
a French Horse practize uppon their Mistresses
all the
nimble Trickes of vaulting, and are
worthie to bee made
Dukes for doing the Somerset so lively.
This Neast of Gallants, for the naturall
partes that
are in them, are maintaynde by their Drawne-worke Dames, and their
imbrodered Mistresses, and can dispend their
two thousand a yeare out of other mens Coffers: keepe at every
heele a man, beside a French Lackey, (a great Boy with
a beard) and an English Page, which filles up the place of an Ingle:
they have their Cittie-horse (which I may
well
tearme their Stone-horse or their Horse uppon the Stones):
For indeed, the Cittie being the lusty Dame and Mistresse of
the Land, layes all her foundation upon good Stone-worke,
and some body payes well for't, where 'ere it lights,
and
might with lesse cost keepe London-Bridge
in reparations
every fall, then Mistresse Briget his wife; for Women
and
Bridges alwayes lacke mending; and what
the advantage of
one Tide performes, comes another Tide presently and washes
away.
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Those are your
Gentlemen-Gallants, that seeth
uppermost, and never lin gallopping, till they
runne over
into the fire, so gloriously accoultred, that they
ravish
the eyes of all Wantons, and take them prisoners
in their
shops with a briske sute of Apparell: they
strangle and
choake more Velvet in a deepe gathered
Hose, then would
serve to line through my Lord what call ye-hims Coach.
What need I inferre more of their prodigall
glistrings,
and their spangled damnations? when
these are Arguments
sufficient to shew the wealth of sinne, and howe rich
the
Sonnes and Heires of Tartarie are:
And are these so
glorious, so florishing, so brim-full of golden Lucifers or
light Angells, and thou a Pandar and poore?
a Bawde and
emptie, appareld in villainous Pack thread, in a wicked Sute
of course Hoppe-bagges, the wings and skirts faced with the
ruines of Dish-cloutes? Fie, I shame to see thee drest
up
so abhominable scurvie. Complaynst thou of bad doings, when
there are Harlots of all Trades,
and Knaves of all
Languages? Knowest thou not, that sinne may bee committed,
either in French, Dutch, Italian, or Spanish, and all after the
English fashion? But thou excusest the negligence of
thy practize by the last Summers Pestilence: Alas,
poore
Shark-Gull, that put off is idle: for Serjant
Carbuncle,
one of the Plagues chiefe Officers, dares not venture within
three yardes of an Harlot, because Mounseir
Dry-bone the
French-man, is a Ledger before him. At which speech,
the
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Slave burst into a melancholy Laugh, which shewde
for all
the
C4v
worlde like a sadde Tragedie with a Clowne int:
and thus
began to reply.
I know not whether it be Crosse
or a Curse, (noble
Philippe of Phlegeton) or whether both, that I am forced to
pinck foure Elles of Bagge to make mee a Summer suite, but I
protest, what with this long Vacation, and the
fidging of
Gallants to Norfolke, and up and downe Countries, Pierce was
never so Pennilesse, as poore Lieutenant Frig-beard.
With those words he put me in minde of him
for whom I
chiefly chaungde my selfe into an officious Constable, poore
Pierce-Pennilesse: when presently I
demaunded of this
Leiuetenant the place of his abode, and when hee last heard
of him (though I knew well enough both where to
heare of
him, and finde him) to which
hee made answere. Who?
Pierce, honest Pennilesse? hee that
writ the Mad-caps
Supplication? why, my very next Neighbour,
lying within
three leane houses of mee, at olde Mistresse Silver-pinnes,
the onely doore-keeper in Europe.
Why! we meete one
another every Terme time, and shake hands when the Exchequer opens,
but when we open our hands, the divell of Penny we can see.
With that I cheerde up the drooping
Slave, with the
Aqua vitae of Villanie, and put him in excellent comfort of
my damnable Legacie: saying, I would stuffe him
with so
many wealthy instructions, that hee
should excell even
Pandarus himselfe, and goe nine mile
beyonde him in
Pandarisme, and from thence forward he should never
know a true Rascall goe under his red Velvet slops; and a gallant
Bawde
D1
indeed belowe her loose-bodied Sattin!
This saide, the slave hugd himselfe and
bust the Bawde
for joy, when presently I left them in the midst
of their
wicked Smack, and descended to my Bil-men that waited in the pernitious
Alley for me their Maister Constable:
and
marching forward to the third Garden-house, there we knockt
up the Ghost of mistresse Silver-pin, who suddainly
risse
out of two white sheetes, and acted out of her tyring-house
windowe, but having understood who
we were, and the
Authoritie of our office, she presently even in her
Ghosts
apparel, unfolded the Doores, and gave me my free enterance,
when in policie I chargde the rest to stay and
watch the
house belowe, whilst I stumbled up two payre of stayres
in
the darke, but at last caught in mine eyes the sullen blaze
of a melancholy lampe, that burnt very tragically uppon the
Page 11
narrow Deske of a halfe Bedstead, which descryed
all the
pittifull Ruines throughout the whole
chamber, the bare
privities of the stone-walls were hid with two
pieces of
painted Cloth; but so ragged and tottred,
that one might
have seene all neverthelesse, hanging for all the world like
the two men in Chaynes betweene Mile-end and Hackney;
the Testerne or the shadow, over the bed, was made
of foure Elles of Cobwebs, and a number of small Spinners Ropes
hung downe for Curtaines; the Spindle-shanke Spyders which showe
like great Leachers with litle legges, went stalking
over his head, as if they had bene conning of Tamburlayne.
To conclude, there was many such sights to be seene
and all under a Pennie, beside
D1v
the lamentable prospect of his hose and doublet, which being
of old Kendall Greene, fitly resembled a Pitcht Field, uppon
which trampled many a lusty Corporal: in this
unfortunate
Tyring-house lay poore Pierce upon
a Pillow stuft with
Horsemeate, the Sheetes smudged so durtily, as if they
had
bene stolne by night out of Saint Pulchers Church-yard when
the Sexton had left a Grave open, and so laide
the dead
bodies wool-ward; the Coverlet was made of peices a
blacke
Cloth clapt together, such as was snatcht off the railes in
Kings Streete, at the Queenes Funerall: upon this miserable
Beds-head, lay the old Copy of his Supplication
in foule
written hand which my blacke Knight of the Post conveyed to
Hell: which no sooner I entertaynd in my hand, but with the
ratling and blabbing of the papers, poore Pierce
began to
stretch and grate his Nose against the hard Pillowe,
when
after a Rowze or two, he muttred
these reeling words
betweene drunke and sober, that is, betweene sleeping
and
waking.
I should laugh yfaith, if for all this I
should prove a
Usurer before I die, and have never a Penny now
to set up
withall, I would build a Nunnery in Pickt-hatch here,
and
turne the walke in Powles into a Bowling-Alley;
I would
have the Thames leaded over, that
they might play at
Cony-holes, with the Arches under London-Bridge. Well,
and
with that he wakte, the divell is mad Knave still.
How now Peirce, (quoth I) doest thou call
mee Knave to
my face? Whereat the poore slave started up with his
haire
a tip-toe, to whom by easie degrees, I
D2
gently discovered my selfe, who trembling like the treble of
a Lute, under the heavie finger
of a Farmers daughter,
craved pardon of my damnable Excellence, and gave
me my Titles as freely, as if he had knowne where all my Lordships
Page 12
lay, and how many Acres there were in Tartarie: but at
the
length having recovered to be bold againe, he unfolded
all
his bosome to mee, told me that the Knight of Perjurie
had
lately brought him a singed Letter,
sent from a damned
Friend of his: Which was thus directed, As followeth.
D2v
From Stix to Woods-close,
or
The Walke of Pickt-hatch.
After I sawe poore Pennilesse grow so
well acquainted
with me, and so familiar with the villany of my
humour, I
unlockt my determinations, and laide open my
intents in
particulars, the cause of my uprising being moved both with
his penetrable petition and his insufferable poverty,
and
therefore changed my shape
into a litle wapper-eyd
Constable, to winke and blinke at small faults, and through
the policy of searching, to finde him out the better in his
cleanly Tabernacle, and therefore gave him encouragement now to
be frolike, for the time was at hand like a Pickpurse,
that Pierce should be cald no more Pennilesse,
like the
Maiors bench at Oxford, but
rather Peirce-Penny-fist,
because his palme shall bee pawde with Pence. This sayd,
I
bad him be resolvde, and get up to Breake-fast,
whilst I
went to gather my Noyse of Villaines together, and made his
lodging my Convocation-house: with
that in a resulting
humour, he calde his Hose and Dublet to him, (which
could
almost goe alone, borne like a Herse
upon the Legges of
Vermin) whilst I thumpt downe staires with my
Cowe-heele,
imbraced Mistresse Silver-pinne, and betooke
me to my
Bill-men: when
D3
in a twinckling before them all, I leapt out
of Maister
Constables Night-gowne, into an Usurers fustie furde Jacket,
whereat the Watch-men staggered, and all their Billes
fell
downe in a sowne: when I walkte close by them laughing
and
coughing like a rotten-lungde Usurer, to see what
Italian
faces they all made, when they mist their
Constable, and
sawe the blacke Gowne of his Office lye full in a puddle.
Well, away I scudded in the mustie
moth-eaten habit,
and being upon Exchange-time, I crowded
my selfe amongst
Merchants, poysoned all the Burse in a minute,
and turnd
their Faiths and Troths, into Curds and whaye, making
them
sweare those things now, which they for-swore
when the
Quarters struck againe: for I was present at the
clapping
up of every Bargaine, which did nere hold, no longer
then
Page 13
they helde handes together: there I heard newes out of
all
Countries, in all Languages; howe many Villainies were
in
Spaine: how many Luxurs in Italie: howe
many perjurds in
France: and how many Reele- pots in Germanie.
At last I met at halfe turne, one,
whom I had spent
mine eyes so long for, an hoarie money-maister,
that had
beene off and on some sixe and fifty yeares dambde in
his
Counting-house, for his onely recreation
was but to hop
about the Burse before twelve, to heare what newes from the
Bancke, and howe many Merchants were
banqrout the last
change of the Moone. This ramish Penny-father I rounded
in
the left Eare, winded in my intent, the place and
D3v
houre: Which no sooner hee suckt in, but smilde uppon me in
French, and replyed.
O Mounseir Deiabla,
Ile be chiefe Guest at your Tabla.
With that we shooke handes: and as
we parted, I bade
him bring Maister Cog-bill the Scrivener along with him, and
so I vanisht out of that dressing. And
passing through
Burchen-lane, amidst a Campe Royall of Hose and
Doublets, (Maister Snips backside being turnde where his face stood) I
tooke excellent occasion to slip into a Captaines Sute,
a valiant Buff-Doublet, stuft with Points like a
Legge of Mutton with Parslye, and a payre
of Velvet slops, scored thicke with Lace, which ranne round
about the Hose like Ring-wormes, able to make a
man scratch where it itcht not. And thus accoultred, taking up my
weapons a trust in the same order,
at the next Cutlers I came too, I marcht to Maister Bezles
Ordinary, where I found a whole dozen of my damned crue sweating
as much at Dice, as many poore Laborers doe with the casting of Ditches:
when presently I set in a Stake amongst them:
round it went; but the craftie Dice having peept uppon me once, knew
who I was well enough, and would never have their
little blacke eyes of a me all the while after; at last came my turne
about, the Dice quaking in my Fist before
I threw them; but when I yerkt them forth, away they
ranne like Irish Lackeys, as farre as
D4
their bones would suffer them, I sweeping up all the Stakes
that laye uppon the Table: whereat
some stampt, others
swore, the rest curst, and all in generall fretted to
the
Gaull, that a new Commer (as they tearmed me) should gather
in so many Fifteenes at the first vomit.
Page 14
Well, thus it past on, the Dice running
as false as the
Drabbes in White-Fryers, and when any one thought himselfe
surest, in came I with a lurching Cast, and made them
all
sweare round againe: But such
Gunne-powder Oathes they
were, that I wonder how the Seeling held together
without
spitting Morter upon them. Zownes, Captaine, swore
one to
mee, I thinke the Divell be thy good Lorde
and Maister:
True, (thought I) and thou
his Gentleman-Usher. In
conclusion, it fatted me better then twentie eighteene-pence
Ordinaries, to heare them rage, curse and sweare,
like so
many Emperours of Darknesse. And all these twelve, were
of
twelve severall Companies.
There was your Gallant
extraordinary Thiefe, that
keepes his Colledge of Good-Fellowes, and will not feare to
robbe a Lord in his Coach for all his tenne Trencher-bearers
on horse-back, your deepe conceited Cut-purse,
who by the
dexterity of his knife will draw out the money, and make
a
flame-colourd purse shew like the bottomlesse pit, but with
never a soule int: your cheating Bowler that will
bancke
false of purpose, and loose a
game of twelve-pence to
purchase his
D4v
Partner twelve shillings in Betts, and so share it after the
Play. Your Cheverell-gutted
Catch-pole, who like a
Horse-litch suckes Gentlemen, and in all your twelve Tribes
of Villanie, who no sooner understood the quaint
forme of
such an uncustomed Legacie, but they
all pawnde their
vitious Golles to meete there, at the houre prefixt: and to
confirme their resolution the more, each slipt
downe his
Stockin, baring his right Knee, and so began
to drinke a
Health, halfe as deepe as Mother Hubburds Celler: She
that
was calde in for selling
her working Bottle-Ale to
Booke-binders, and spurting the Froth upon Courtiers Noses.
To conclude, I was their onely
Captaine, (for so they
pleasde to title mee) and so they
all rizze, Poculis
manibusque, applauding my newes: then the houre beeing more
then once and once reiterated, we were all at our
hands againe, and so departed.
I could tell nowe, that I was in many a
second House in
the Cittie and Suburbs afterward, where my entertainment was
not barren, nor my welcome Cheape or Ordinarie.
And then
howe I walkte in Powles to see
fashions; to dive into
villainous meetings, pernitious Plots, blacke Humours, and a
Million of mischiefes, which are bred in
that Cathedrall
Wombe, and borne within lesse then forty weekes after.
But
some may object and say; What
doth the Divell walke in
Powles then? Why not, Sir, aswell as
a Serjant, or a
Ruffian, or a Murderer: may
not the Divell I praye you
walke in Powles
Page 15
E1
as well as the Horse goe a toppe of Powles, for I am sure I
was not farre from his Keeper. Puh, I doubt where there
is
no doubt, for there is no true Criticke indeede, that
will
carpe at the Divell.
Now the Houre posted on-ward to accomplish
the effects
of my desire, to gorge every Vice full of poyson, that
the
soule might burst at the last, and vomit out her selfe uppon
blew cakes of Brimstone. When
returning home (for the
purpose, in my Captaynes apparell of Buffe and
Velvet) I
strucke mine Hostesse into
admiration at my proper
appearance, for my Polt-foote was helpt out with Bumbast.
A
propertie which many worldings use, whose Toes are dead and
rotten, and therefore so stuffe out their Shooes, like the
corners of Wooll-Packes.
Well, into my Tyring-house I went, where
I had scarce
shifted my selfe into the Apparell
of my last Will and
Testament, (which was the
Habite of a covetous
Barne-cracking Farmer) but all my Striptlings of Perdition,
my Nephewes of Damnation: my Kindred
and alliance of
Villany and Sharking, were ready before
the houre, to
receive my Bottomlesse Blessing. When
entring into a
Countrey Night-Gowne, with a Cappe of sicknesse
about my
browes, I was led in betweene Pierce-Pennilesse,
and his
Hostesse, like a feeble Farmer, ready to depart England, and
sayle to the Kingdome of Tartarie: who setting mee downe in
a wicked Chaire, all my pernitious Kins-folkes round
about
mee, and the
E1v
Scrivener betweene my legges (for hee loves alwayes to
sit
in the Divells Cot-house) thus with
a whay-countenance,
short stoppes, and earthen-dampish
voyce, the true
Counterfets of a dying Cullian, I proceeded to
the blacke
Order of my Legacies.
E2
The last Will and Testament of Lawrence
Lucifer,
the olde wealthy Bachiler of Limbo.
Alias,
Dicke Devil-Barne, the griping
Farmer of Kent.
In the Name of Bezle-bub, Amen.
I Lawrence Lucifer, alias, Dicke Devil-Barne,
sicke in
soule but not in body, beeing in perfect health
to wicked
memorie: Doe constitute and Ordaine this my last Will
and
Testament Irrevocable, as long as
the world shall be
Page 16
trampled on by Villanie.
Inprimis, I Lawrence Lucifer,
bequeath my soule to
Hell, and my bodie to the Earth, amongst you all, divide mee
and share me equally, but with as much wrangling as you can,
I pray: and it will be the better if you goe to Law for me.
E2v
As touching my worldly-wicked
Goods, I give and
bequeath them in most villanous order following.
First, I constitute
and Ordaine, Leiuetenant
Frig-beard, Arch- Pander of England, my sole Heire,
of all
such Lands, Closes and Gappes, as lie within the Boundes of
my gift: beside, I have certaine Houses,
Tenements, and
withdrawing Roomes in
Shoreditch, Tunbold-streete,
White-Fryers, and Westminster: which
I freely give and
bequeath to the aforesayde Leiutenant, and the base
Heires
truely begotte of his villanous body: with
this Proviso,
that hee sell none of the Land when hee lacks money;
nor
make away any of the Houses
to impaire and weaken the
Stocke, no not so much as to alter the propertie of any
of
them, which is to make them honest against their willes, but
to traine and muster his wittes upon the Mile-ende of
his
Mazard, rather to
fortifie the Territories of
Tunbold-street, and enrich the Countie of Pickt-Hatch, with
all his vitious Endevours: golden Enticements, and damnable
Practises. And Leiutenant, thou must dive (as thou usest to
doe) into Landed Novices, who have onely wit to be licorish
and no more, that so their Tenants trotting up
to London
with their Quartridges, they may pay them the rent, but thou
and thy Colledge shall receive the money.
Let no yong rigle-eyde Damosell
(if her years have
strucke twelve once) be left unassaulted, but it must be thy
Office to lay hard seige to her honestie: and to try
E3
if the walles of her Mayden-head may be scaled with a ladder
of Angells: for one Acre of such Wenches will bring in more
at yeares ende, then an hundred Acres of the best harrowed
Land betweene Detford and Dover: and take this
for a Note
by the way, you must never walke without your
Dewce, or
Dewce-Ace of Drabbes, after your Boote-heeles: for when you
are abroad you know not what use you may have for them. And lastly
(if you will be well feed by some riotous Gallant) you must
practize, (as indeed you doe) to winde out a wanton Velvet-cap and
Bodkin, from the tangles of her Shoppe, teaching
her (you know how) to cast a Cuckolds Mist before the
eyes of her Husband, which is, telling him, shee must
Page 17
see her Coozen, new come to Towne: or that shee goes
to a
womans Labour: when thou knowest well ynough, shee goes
to none but her owne: and being set out of the Shoppe,
(with
her man afore her, to quench the jealouzie of her Husband)
shee by thy instructions shall turne the
honest simple
fellow off, at the next turning, and give him leave
to see
the merry Divell of Edmunton, or
a Woman kild with
kindnesse: when his Mistresse is going
her selfe to the
same murther. Thousand of such inventions, practizes
and
devices, I stuffe thy Trade withall: beside the
luxurious
meetings at Tavernes, ten pound suppers, and fifteene pound
reckonings, made up afterwards with
riotous Egges and
Muscadine. All these female vomites,
and adulterous
Surfets, I give and bequeath to thee, which I hope thou wilt
put in practize with all expedition, after
E3v
my decease: and to that ende, I ordaine thee
wholy and
solely, my onely absolute, excellent, villanous Heire.
Item, I give and bequeath to you Gregory
Gauntlet, high
Thiefe on Horse-backe; all such summes of Money,
that are
nothing due to you, and to receive them in,
whether the
Parties bee willing to pay you or no. You
neede not make
many wordes with them, but onely these two:
Stand, and
Deliver; and therefore a true thiefe cannot
chuse but be
wise, because hee is a man of so very fewe words.
I neede not instruct you, I thinke Gregorie,
about the
politicke searching of craftie Carryers Packes, or ripping
up the bowells of wide Bootes, and Cloake-bagges, I doe not
doubt but you have already exercised
them all. But one
thing I especially charge you of: the neglect
of which
makes many of your Religion tender
their wine-pipes at
Tyburne, at least three Monthes before their day: that
if
you chaunce to robbe a vertuous Townesman on Horse-backe,
with his wife uppon a Pillion behinde him, you
presently speake them faire to walke a Turne or two at one side, where
binding them both together like Man and Wife, arme in arme
very lovingly: Bee sure you tie them hard ynough, for feare they
breake the bondes of Matrimonie, which if it should
fall out so, the matter would lie sore uppon your Neckes the next Sessions
after, because your negligent tying, was the
E4
cause of that breach betweene them.
Now, as for your Welch Hue and Crie (the
onely Nette to
catch Theeves in) I knowe you avoyde well ynough,
because
you can shift both your Beardes and your Townes well,
but
for your better disguising, henceforward I will fit you with
Page 18
a Beard-maker of mine owne: One that makes all
the false
haires for my Divells, and all the Periwigges that are worne
by olde Courtiers, who take it for a pride in their
balde
dayes to weare yallowe Curles on their Foreheads, when
one
may almost see the Sunne goe to bed through the chinkes
of
their faces.
Moreover Gregorie, because I know thee
toward ynough,
and thy armes full of feates,
I make thee Keeper of
Come-Parke; Serjant of Salisburie-Plaine; Warden
of the
Standing-places; and lastly, Constable
of all Heaths,
Holes, High-wayes, and Conny-groves: hoping that thou
wilt
execute these Places and Offices as truely, as Dericke will
execute his place and Office at Tyburne.
Item, I give and bequeath to
thee Dicke Dogge-man,
Graund- Catchpole, (over and above thy bare-bone Fees, that
will scarse hang wicked flesh on thy
backe) all such
Lurches, Gripes and Squeezes, as may bee wrung
out by the
fist of extortion.
And because I take pittie on thee, wayting
so long as
thou usest to doe, ere thou canst land one
E4v
Fare at the Counter, watching sometimes ten houres together
in an Ale-house, ever and anon peeping forth and
sampling
thy Nose with the red Lattis: let him whosoever that
falls
into thy Clutches at night, pay well for thy standing
all
day: And couzen Richard when thou hast caught him
in the
Moustrap of thy libertie with the cheese of thy office, the
wire of thy hard fist being clapt downe upon his Shoulders,
and the backe of his estate almost broken to pieces;
then
call thy cluster of fellow-vermins together, and
sit in
triumph with thy prisoner at the upper
end of a Taverne
table, where under the colour of showing him favour (as you
tearme it) in waiting for Bayle, thou and thy Counter-liche,
may swallow downe sixe Gallons of Charnico, and then
begin
to chafe that he makes you stay so long before Peter
Bayle
comes: And here it will not be amisse if you call in
more
wine-suckers, and damne as many Gallons
againe; for you
know your prisoners ransome will pay for all: this
is if
the partie be flush now, and
would not have his credit
copparde with a scurvey Counter.
Another kinde of rest
you have which is called
Shoopenny, that is, when you will be paide for every stride
you take: and if the Channell be dangerous and ruffe,
you
will not step over under a Noble: a very excellent Lurch to
get up the price of your legs, betweene Powles-chaine
and
Ludgate.
Page 19
But that which likes
me beyond measure, is the
villanous nature of that arrest which I may fitly tearme by
the name of Cog-shoulder, when you clap
F1
a both sides like old Rowse in Cornewell, and receive double
Fee both from the Creditor and the Debter, swearing
by the
post of your office to shoulder-clap the party, the
first
time he lights upon the Limetwigs of your liberty, when for
a little Usurers Oyle, you allowe him day
by day free
passage to walke by the wicked precinct of your Noses,
and
yet you will pimple your soules with oathes, till you
make
them as well favoured as your faces, and
sweare he never
came within the verge of your eyelids: nay more,
if the
Creditor were present to see him arrested on the one
side,
and the party you wot on, over the way at the other
side,
you have such quaint shifts, prety
hindrances, and most
Lawyer-like delayes ere you will set forward, that in
the
meane time he may make himselfe away in some by
Alley, or rush into the Bowells of some Taverne, or drinking schoole;
or if neither, you will find talke with some Sharke-shift by the way, and
give him the markes of the partie, who will presently
start before you, give the Debter Intelligence, and so a rotten
Fig for the Catchpole. A most
wittie, smooth, and damnable conveyance: many such running
devices breede in the Reynes of your offices: beside
I leave to speake of your unmercifull
dragging a Gentleman through Fleet-streete, to the utter confusion
of his white Feather, and the lamentable spattring
of his Pearle-colour silke Stockins, especially when some sixe of
your blacke Dogges of Newgate are uppon him at
once. Therefore sweete cousen Richard (for you are the neerest kinsman
I have) I
F1v
give and bequeath to you no more then you have already, for
you are so well gorged and stuft
with that, that one
spoonefull of villanie more, would over-lay your
stomacke
quite, and I feare me make you kicke up all the rest.
Item, I give and bequeath to you Benedick
Bottomlesse,
most deepe Cut-purse, all the benefite of
Pageant-dayes,
great Market-dayes, Ballat-places, but
especially the
Six-Pennt Roomes in Play-houses, to Cut, Dive, or Nim, with
as much speede, Arte, and dexteritie, as may be handled
by
honest Rogues of thy qualitie. Nay, you
shall not sticke
Benedick, to give a shave of your Office at Powles Crosse in
the Sermon time: but thou holdst it a thing thou mayst
doe
by law, to cut a Purse in
Westminster Hall. True,
Benedicke, if thou be sure the Lawe bee on that
side thou
cutst it on.
Page 20
Item, I give and bequeath to
you, old Bias, Alias,
Humfrey Hollow-banke, true cheating Bowler, and Lurcher, the one
halfe of all false Bettes, Cunning Hookes, subtill Tyes,
and Crosse-layes, that are ventured upon the landing of your
Bowle, and the safe arriving at the Haven of the Mistresse,
if it chaunce to passe all the daungerous Rocks and Rubs of
the Alley, and be not choackt in the sand, like a Merchants
Ship, before it comes halfe way home, which is none of your
fault (youle say and sweare) although in your owne turnde-
conscience you know, that you threwe it above three
yardes
short out of hand, upon very set purpose.
Moreover, Humfrey, I give you the lurching
of all
F2
yong Novices, Citizens sonnes, and Countrey Gentlemen, that
are hookt in by the winning of one
Twelve-penny Game at
first, lost upon policy, to bee cheated of
Twelve-pounds
worth-a Bets afterward. And olde Bias, because thou art now
and then smelt out for a Coosner,
I would have thee
sometimes goe disguisde (in honest apparell) and so drawing
in amongst Bunglers and Ketlers, under the plaine Freeze of
simplicitie, thou mayst finely couch the wrought-velvet
of
Knavery.
Item, I give and bequeath to your Coosen
German here,
Francis Finger-false, Deputie of Dicing-houses, all cunning
Lifts, Shifts, and Couches, that ever were, are, and
shall
be invented, from this houre of a Leven-clocke upon
blacke
Munday, untill it smite Twelve a clocke at Doomes-day:
and
this I know Francis, if you doe endevour
to excell, as I
know you doe, and will truely practize falsely, you may live
more gallanter farre upon three Dice,
then many of your
foolish Heires about London, uppon thrice
three hundred
Acres.
But turning my
Legacie to you-ward, Barnaby
Burning-glasse, Arch Tabacco-taker
of England, in
Ordinaryes, upon Stages both common and private, and lastly,
in the Lodging of your Drabbe and Mistresse:
I am not a
little proud, I can tell you Barnaby, that you daunce after
my Pipe so long:
and for all Counterblasts and
Tabacco-Nashes (which some call Raylers) you are not blowne
away, nor your fierie thirst quencht
with the small
Penny-Ale of their
F2v
contradictions, but still suck that dug of damnation, with a
long nipple, still burning that rare Phaenix of
Phlegiton
Tabacco, that from her ashes burnt and knockt out, may arise
another pipefull: Therefore I give and bequeath unto
thee,
Page 21
a breath of all religions, save the true one, and tasting of
all countries, save his owne: a brayne well sooted,
where
the Muses hang up in the smoake like red
Herrings: and
looke how the narrow alley of thy pipe showes in the inside,
so shall all the pipes through thy body. Besides,
I give
and bequeath to thy lungs, as smooth as Jet, and just of the
same colour, that when thou art closed in thy
grave, the
wormes may be consumed with them, and take them for
blacke Puddings.
Lastly, not least, I give and bequeath to
thee Pierce-
pennelesse, exceeding poore Scholler, that hath made cleane
shooes in both Universities, and bene a pittifull Batler all
thy life time, full often heard with this lamentable cry at
the Buttry-hatch; Ho Lancelot, a Cewe of bread, and a
Cewe
of beere, never passing beyond the confines of a farthing,
nor once munching commons, but onely upon Gaudy dayes:
To thee most miserable Pierce, or pierced through and through
with miserie, I bequeath the tythe of all Vaulting-Houses,
the tenth deneere of each heigh passe come a loft: beside
the playing in and out of all wenches at thy pleasure, which I know
as thou maist use it, wil be such a fluent pension, that thou shalt
never have need to write Supplication againe.
Now for the especiall trust and confidence
I have in
F3
both you, Mihell Mony God Usurer, and
Leonard Lavender Broker, or pawne-lender, I make you
two my full Executors, to the true disposing of all these
my hellish intents, wealthy villanies, and most pernicious
damnable Legacies.
And now kinsmen and friends, winde about
me, my breath
begins to coole, and all my powers to freese. And I can say
no more to you Nephewes then I have saide, only
this, I
leave you all like Rats- bane to poyson the realme.
And I
pray, be all of you as arrant villaines as you can be,
and
so farewel, be all hangde, and come downe to me as soone as
you can.
This saide, he departed to his moulton
kingdome, the
winde risse, the bottome of the
Chayre flew out, the
Scrivener fell flat upon his nose, and here is the end of
a
harmelesse Morrall.
FINIS.
F3v
[Epilogue]
Page 22
Now Syr, what is your censure now?
you have read me I
am sure: am I blacke ynough
think you, drest up in a
lasting suite of Incke? Do I deserve my Darke
and pitchy
Tytle? Sticke I close ynough to a villaines Ribs?
Is not
Lucifer liberall to his Nephewes, in this his last Will and
Testament? Meethinkes I heare
you say-nothing: and
therefore I know you are pleasde and agree to all: for
Qui
tacit consentire videtur: And I allow you Wise,
and truly
Judicious, because you keepe your Censure to your selfe.
FINIS.
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